The comeback story
There’s nothing better than a good comeback. People are often amazed by the things they can make up, whether it’s one they say to a boss or one they say to a snarky customer. (Alprazolam)
Whether it’s a brilliantly clever comeback or a simple quip, the point is that they all make us laugh, and that makes them all no less hilarious.
The following are some of the funniest and best comebacks that Redditors have come up with.
In sixth grade, there was a kid named Richie who was always causing trouble. Mr. Franklin reached his breaking point one day when Richie was making trouble in his class. “Richie, stop screwing around and being disruptive and start applying yourself.”.
“You’re going to be 40 years old and still in 6th grade.”, he replied.
As Richie stared him down, he said, “You’re 40 and still in sixth grade.”.
When his masculinity was questioned, our next Redditor made the best comeback. Aside from defending his honor, he also defended that of his girlfriend.
The Road To Heroism
My girlfriend and I were walking down a side street in a medium-sized town a long time ago. As we approached, there was a car parked ahead, its front facing us. There were two kids, maybe in their late teens. There was a sense of trouble immediately apparent to me.
Due to the fact that my girlfriend was quite attractive, I could tell they were likely to say something. Upon approaching them, I heard the following words: “Hey baby, ditch the zero and come hang with the hero.”.
My blood was boiling, but I kept my cool and calmly responded, “Sorry buddy, I’m not gay…don’t call my girlfriend a zero.”. His friend laughed at him, so my girlfriend made a comical crying face and we both laughed.
There are times when even children manage to come up with some pretty amazing comebacks. Even when they don’t intend to, they can be quite effective.
Battle Of The Families
My mother and I had to visit my biological father’s mother when I was eight or nine years old. There was nothing good about my biological father. For years, he refused to pay child support, but once in a while he would send money to his mom, which meant my mother and I had to travel for four hours to get it.
The money was tight, so we had no choice but to deal with it, and he knew it. It was one of the ways in which he attempted to humiliate us. The situation was not any better with my biological grandmother. My mom had been dealing with this witch for a long time prior to her divorce from my dad. One of her favorite things was treating my mother like trash during her pregnancy.
My only regret is that we are related by blood. I’m sitting at my mom’s table one day on one of these child support trips. She pulls out a couple of large bills and gives them to me, telling me how generous she is to spare some for me.
It was priceless to see the look on her face when I told her that I couldn’t take money from a stranger. On the way back, Mom got me ice cream.
Army tensions can be high, especially when subordinates and superiors disagree.
The former marine, a big burly man, was working in my office after returning from Iraq. There was no doubt that he was a huge mountain of a man. As we faced each other in a narrow office corridor, one of us ended up having to turn sideways. Both of us stopped, but neither of us turned. Despite being six feet one and 260 pounds, he towered over me.
Despite his nice nature, he seemed mentally unhinged or just a little “conditioned.” As he looked me directly in the eye, he asked, “Feeling froggy?”? I responded in a manner that seemed like something from a movie.
Immediately, I responded, “You better jump.” We both laughed and turned sideways, as the office breathed a collective sigh of relief.
The best comebacks are often organic and unexpected. The next Redditor learned the news from his girlfriend.
The other day, I was in the grocery store with my girlfriend, and she accidentally bumped into a middle-aged guy’s cart. However, we had no idea what he was going to say.
Her apology was met with, “Oh, don’t worry, you know what they say about female drivers.” Without missing a beat, she responded, “Yeah, that’s what they say about elderly drivers. “
Almost losing it, I had to sprint away. It is the first time I have ever seen an entitled old man look so shocked.
There are times when comebacks are the only thing that can motivate someone to change. That lesson was learned the hard way by this disgruntled employee.
In the past, my uncle and I worked at Burger King together. My position was shift leader. I heard him complaining about a useless coworker neither of us wanted to work with.
The guy was a year older than me (I am 22) and just in a bad state of mind. Despite not showering, his arms are covered in track marks, and he is often late or does not show up at all.
When he did arrive, he would overextend his breaks and get high on the clock. He overheard my uncle and attempted to stop him when my uncle turned to him and told him, “You are about as useful as a submarine with screen doors.” However, he went a step further. As he continued, “I’ve had more intelligent conversations with Ikea couches.”
What happens when a fourth-grader makes a comeback? It was an unfortunate teacher who had to deal with a comeback from this next Redditor.
When I was teaching fourth grade, I was trying to remember how to spell a particular word while standing at the board.
Trying to make light of the situation, I told the kids that sometimes adults need assistance with spelling as well. There was a response from a child.
The student replied, “It is because you were poorly educated. But do not worry, we are also poorly educated.”. This is a double whammy.
It is not necessary for all comebacks to be verbal. When his boss started chewing him out, one disgruntled employee took things to the next level.
After That, We Became Friends
I worked at Target in college in a stocking job, which required us to arrive at four or five am to unload trucks. One morning, I overslept a bit and arrived at the unpacking line about ten minutes late, eating a breakfast bar as I walked. As soon as I saw the boss storming over, I knew I was in for a difficult time.
In front of everyone, he began loudly castigating me for being late. As he spoke, I listened and took bites of the bar without expressing much emotion, primarily due to fatigue. In response to my disrespectful chewing during the yelling, he stopped mid-sentence, held out his hand, and requested, “Give me that thing!”.
Having only one bite left, I took it, handed him the wrapper, and said, “Thank you,” as I stuffed my mouth with food. He paused and began laughing at the ridiculous response to his yelling. After that, we became friends.
Inappropriate questions can often lead to unexpected reactions from a stranger. The friend of this Redditor learned this lesson the hard way.
During the Scottish games, one guy thought he’d be smart and asked an inappropriate question to a performer.
When this guy saw the performer wearing a kilt, he asked him, “What do you wear underneath that skirt?”.
It was the perfect comeback. The guy didn’t skip a beat and replied, “That’s your mother’s lipstick.” The guy’s buddies and I laughed out loud at the guy’s response.
There is nothing worse than a snarky customer. However, when the employee comes up with a snappy retort, all the effort is worth it.
I worked in cell phone sales for a few years, and a woman came in with a fairly new flip phone—this was 2018, and we still sold them. She was complaining because one of the sides of the screen was dangling off and said she didn’t do anything. It just snapped. She demanded a new phone.
I told her, “That looks like physical damage, and we don’t have any coverage for that since you didn’t buy a phone protection warranty.” She did not take this news well.
Sh insisted it wasn’t physical damage and the phone just sucked and broke itself. She started freaking out and calling me all kinds of names and swinging her phone in my face. And then the top half of the phone LITERALLY snapped off and landed on the counter in front of me.
I just looked her in the eyes and said, “Well, that was definitely physical damage.” She lost it at my comment, and it was weirdly satisfying.
I was around 17 or 18 and getting my first filling at the dentist. They pumped me up with nitrous oxide for pain and to help me relax during the procedure. The dentist came back and asked me, “How are you feeling”? All I said was, “I don’t,” and he lost it.
He cracked up for what seemed like 20 minutes before he could pull himself together. I also started cracking up because of the laughing gas and because his laugh was infectious.
So we were both just sitting in the room laughing, and all his assistants came by and were very confused, lol.
Kids always come up with the best comebacks somehow. One lady in a grocery store regrets insulting a little girl.
Double Your Fun
My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they’re little, and it’s a pain for everyone, including the kids. They don’t always want attention. Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls.
One of the girls is very much a people person and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn’t up for that, so she wasn’t participating. This lady got ticked about that and told our introverted kid, “Your sister is so much prettier than you are.” Without missing a beat, my tiny little girl looked that woman in the eyes and destroyed her.
She said, “And you’re so much fatter than my sister is, too.” My boyfriend managed to get the cart onto the next aisle before laughing his head off.
Sometimes comebacks don’t have to be serious or spiteful. This next one had a whole room of people erupting in laughter.
I was working in tech. It was common for someone to call us right before a presentation to hook up a laptop to our system in the meeting room.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been feverishly working while the meeting is going on. This happened again one day when the devices just wouldn’t talk to one another, and I didn’t have time to track down the issue with the room full of our entire staff.
It came time for the presentation to be put up on the big monitor, and I shook my head to the guy to tell him it wasn’t connecting. “So, Marv, you can’t get it up?” I immediately hung my head and said, “Oh, don’t say it like THAT!” The entire office broke up, and they never let him live it down.
Some of the most justified comebacks are when they’re in response to someone being a bully. This guy sure showed his coworker he was sick of his insults.
I work in a factory with a short guy. This other dude picked on him incessantly, and for the most part, he let the insults slide off his back.
But, one day, he got to the end of his rope. The taller guy asked, “Do you want me to pick you up so you can wash your hands?”
The short guy turned to the guy beside him and asked, “Will you pick me up so he can kiss my butt?” I was in tears.
Family mischief can often cause people to roll in stitches. But on vacations, it can be especially fun when the whole family is invited.
Check The Calendar
On a family vacation, my grandmother was giving me grief for not remembering her birthday—I’ve never been good with birthdays—after telling me it was the password to her iPhone. She wanted me to take a picture with it, which is why I needed the password.
While she was distracted, I opened up the settings, changed her password to my birthdate, and then set her phone down. Cue 15 minutes later, she was trying to get into her phone, and it wasn’t working. Suspecting mischief, she grumpily asked me if I had changed the password to her phone in front of our entire family.
I admitted that I did. “Well, what is it”? She asked impatiently. “It’s my birth date.” She gave me this stunned look, like a deer in headlights. She sat there silent for about 15 seconds, not being able to remember my birthday before our family exploded laughing. It was a good time.
One Redditor had a stutter when they had to give their speech to their class. They had the perfect response to a rude individual.
Did I Stutter?
I was in the middle of an oral history report on George Washington. Usually, I don’t give them in front of the class because I stutter, but my speech therapist encouraged me to take a leap of faith, so I told the teacher I could give them in class.
But it backfired almost immediately. I accidentally called him Thomas Jefferson because I was so nervous.
A rude girl in the back snickers and hollers, “I knew your brain was messed up!” Still, I reply, “W-w-w-well at l-least I h-h-have a b-brain to m-mess up.” A few of my classmates actually stood up to give me a standing ovation at the end of my report. Thinking about it still makes me tear up. Today, I can mostly speak without stuttering.
People’s egos can sometimes be a lot bigger than they think. One guy at a bar got a wake-up call from a woman who rejected him.
Burn At The Bar
Whilst training in the British army, we went out for a few drinks, and every unit had that one Bell-end that thinks he’s God’s gift to women. Ours spotted a good-looking girl at the bar and announced to us all to watch the master at work. He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says, “I’ve got the biggest junk you’ll ever see and will give you the time of your life.”
The girl responds as quickly as a flash, “Is it really big?” He says yeah. She asks if it reaches his butt. He, being the jerk that he is, responds, “Of course it does.”
She comes back with, “Great. You can go screw yourself then.” He ran off like his hair was on fire, and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.
Comebacks don’t always have to be intentional. This next dad on Father’s Day found this out all too easily.
This was too good to be true. I was in line at Safeway, and the guy in front of me was on the phone with his son next to him.
The woman behind him said, “You should be talking to your son. It’s Father’s Day”. Without missing a beat, he said, “Gotta go, dad,” and hung up.
The look on that sourpuss’s face was priceless. I still think about it sometimes today.
Nothing’s worse than a person who tries to dodge insurance calls, but this next Redditor luckily bumped into him years later. Her comeback was amazing.
When I was a broke college student, a wealthy older lawyer hit my car. No damage to his car, but mine was crumpled, and I spent all of my no money at the time keeping it on the road. I was going literally 11 km/h in a parking lot, and he was entirely at fault. We exchanged insurance info, and I had to get a rental car until mine was fixed.
He dodged the insurance calls for about two weeks, forcing me to pay out of pocket for the rental, about $600, which I definitely didn’t have. I knew this guy was a snooty lawyer—my dad is a court attorney, and while I have never used this flex, I finally had to ask my dad to call him and talk some lawyer at him.
Fifteen minutes later, I got a call and was told that the insurance would go forward. Fast forward like eight years, I was bartending at a swanky lounge where a Chamber of Commerce event was going on. It was just for local business people to rub elbows and network. This lawyer douche was really feeling himself and charming the room. He looked eerily familiar, and it hit me all at once who he was.
He ordered a drink from me and then stopped and said, “Hey, miss, do I know you”? So I came back loudly with, “Well, not really, but you hit my car in a parking lot a few years ago when I was a broke college student and stuck me with the bill. Do you wanna open a tab for the drink or close out now”?
Comedians often have the best improvisation. This Redditor was no exception when asked if he thought he was funny.
I’m a writer, and I do a bit of stand-up comedy. As such, people tend to introduce me to new people as a “comedian,” “writer,” etc. So I was outside a bar smoking with a friend of a friend. He then introduced me to one of his friends. His friend was dressed like Liam Gallagher from Oasis and seemed to exude a bit of a cocky sneery manner.
The introduction went thusly; Friend of Friend: “Mr. Gallagher, this is my friend. He’s a comedian.” Mr. Gallagher: (looks me up and down) “Comedian, eh? Does that mean you think you’re funny”? Me: “No, it means everyone else does.”
I literally do not know where it came from. I didn’t think about the response. It just came out. And it was hands down the GREATEST thing I’ve ever said.
Sometimes the best comebacks are actions rather than words. This next guy had the perfect comeback to being pantsed at a party.
Who Wears The Pants?
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all, at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up immediately, he just kept going about his business while his dong hung out for all to see. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious.
The people at the party that didn’t know him looked uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his weiner hanging freely. Our friend, the host, said, “Dude, why don’t you pull your pants up?”
The pantsed guy said, “I didn’t pull them down.” Then took his turn in pong. But the best part of all? The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend’s pants back up.
Workplace banter can normally lead to some hilarious and memorable moments. Our next Redditor did just that when he bumped into someone at his work.
I work in waste management. I’m also a rather small person, like, “they don’t make clothes at Old Navy in my size” small. I was wheeling a stack of drums out to our loading dock, navigating pretty much purely on instinct since I couldn’t see over or around them. Lo and behold, there was someone there chatting with the shipping people. I ran straight into him.
I was surrounded by everyone in shipping, some fairly big dudes, and I felt amazingly embarrassed. I leaned around the drums to look at the guy I hit and, without even thinking, said, “What did you want me to do, see through ’em”?
Everyone burst out laughing, and the guy even opened the door to the dock for me. Every time I see him now, he pretends to duck.
Friends can also often give juicy and unexpected comebacks just for laughs. This Redditor was talking about the most humane way to pass away.
A guy I went to school with thought he was God’s gift to women. He was seriously so annoying, and it bothered me even being around him. One day, for some reason, he was discussing the most humane ways to die.
He says, “If I ever had to end someone, I would make love with them until they passed.” Oh, I got him so good.
Without even really thinking about it, I responded, “Aw, how cruel, letting someone die of boredom.”
What kind of comeback do you get when instead of a customer being rude, it’s the server? Well, this next Redditor found out.
And That’s The Tea
I was the sole male on a business trip with some female coworkers. They wanted to have lunch in a little tea house, and I didn’t care, so in we went. The tea house provided frilly hats to wear during tea, and of course, they all insisted that I wear a pink one. Whatever, it’s all good, right? Well, apparently not so much.
The woman who owned the place ran it with her son, and he gave me no end of grief about wearing it. Every time he came into the small dining room, where a half dozen or so other people were also having lunch, he made some comment about how I should take it off, be more manly, and so on. He just wouldn’t let it go.
His insistence finally started getting on my nerves, so the next time he came in and made a comment about the hat, I piped up. “It could be worse,” I said. The whole room was silenced to hear what I would say. “I could work in a tea house with my mommy.” The whole room erupted. Even his mom laughed. He laughed too, but I could tell it had struck a chord.
He didn’t really talk much the rest of the time we were there. In truth, I felt bad about it. I actually had a lot of respect for him helping his mom out like that. I just wanted him to stop bugging me about the hat.
Nurses can even think of amazing comebacks while in the operating room. What she said to the father was unbelievable.
How A Nurse Became A Legend
This woman had just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up.
The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there.” Without missing a beat, the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?”
Everyone in the room erupted in laughter, and the man went bright red. The nurse was a legend on the floor for that.
Here’s another comeback that an employee said to their boss. This one didn’t end well for the boss.
Be Careful What You Wish For
I had this horrible boss who never recognized all the good I did. She only berated me for every perceived mistake.
Well, one day, I made a small mistake at work, and she flat-out told me, “Get yourself together. I can fire you and find someone who could do this better in five minutes!” I’d had enough—and I let her know it in the best way possible.
I took my apron off and, as head waiter 10 minutes before a Friday lunch rush, handed it to her. Then I said, “You’ve got five minutes.”
Our next Redditor was asked if their hand-eye coordination was any good. Once they saw the guy had a bandage on, they knew exactly how to respond.
Watch Your Finger
I became a store management trainee at a large grocery chain years ago. Part of the training was that you had to spend a week or so working in each department, learning how they worked and operated. Basically, I was just free help for that week’s department. This particular week I was in the meat department.
One of the guys had just returned from a couple of days off because he had accidentally cut his finger on the bone saw. He was still sporting a pretty big bandage on the digit he cut. He was told to show me how to use the meat cuber/tenderizer for making cubed steak, and he walked up and asked, “How’s your hand-eye coordination”?
I immediately responded with, “Hopefully better than yours”! Everyone back there erupted in laughter that didn’t stop for what seemed a long time.
Tensions can often be helped by just a bit of laughter. That’s what this next Redditor did in an uncomfortable situation.
Sent By Mail
This was back in my junior year of college. At the beginning of the semester, I introduced myself to my very intimidating biochemistry professor. The guy was a genius but also tough. Students were all terrified to ask him questions because he was known for grilling people, and if they hadn’t made enough effort beforehand, he’d send them out of his office to learn on their own.
As I walked into his office, he was sorting through some boxes and made a really sarcastic comment regarding stuffing me in the box and shipping it off somewhere. He looked up to see my response, and I just responded perfectly without thinking.
“I wouldn’t mind going somewhere nice…” Dude laughed so hard that it actually startled me a little. We got along pretty well for the remainder of the semester, so it all worked out really well! It’s amazing what a little laughter can do to ease tension.
Debating in high school means that a lot of teenagers say things that even the teacher doesn’t expect. This one was something everyone would remember.
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. The two arguing the hardest both had interesting reputations.
The kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told the girl that had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth.
“At least people like it when I open my mouth!” She retorted.
The entire class lost it, including the teacher. He never lived it down afterwards.
In order to protect the privacy of those depicted, some names, locations, and identifying characteristics have been changed and are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblances to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.