Why this is the case, I shall leave to psychologists. I’m not here to get into all that fancy head doctor whathaveyou. No, I’m here to tell you about some of the craziest goddamn records anyone ever bothered to record. Which of course means someone else (or many people, in some cases), either strove to set them or happened to be lucky or unlucky enough to do so unwittingly.
Tallest man? Bah, anyone can set that record! If they have a wildly overactive pituitary gland.Fastest ever mile?Child’s play… for a child who can run at an amazing rate, No, none of those today. Instead try out this madness:
5 Sam Wakeling Rode 281.85 Miles in Under 24 Hours
OK, we’re ending this with an arguably pointless achievement, but at least it’s one that required some prowess (not like that paint ball… stupid paint ball). A British gent by the name of Sam Wakeling rode 281.85 miles in under 24 hours… on a unicycle. Yes, he set the record for the most distance covered in one day while on a unicycle and yes the achievement required fitness and determination and such, but I still just have to ask: why?
4 Hairiest Man
OK, this is a more typical record, and one based off an arguably unfortunate medical condition, so please don’t consider it insensitive of us, because we genuinely are in awe of this gentleman. A certain Stephan Bibrowski had hair covering most every square inch of his body, most of it thick and many inches long. Lots of people have been afflicted with similar conditions… but not all of them capitalized on it, and travelled the world calling themselves “Lionel, the Lion-Faced Man!”
3 The World’s Largest Hamburger
And if you happen to be in Pleasanton, CA, you are in the home of The World’s Largest Hamburger! For now, at least—this record seems to be one-upped every few years. The reigning burger at present weighed in at 777 pounds and it looks disgusting. Why, I ask you people? (Then I remember that I just researched and wrote about it and I see that you’ve won this round, you clever little shrews!)
2 The World’s Largest Ball of Paint
If you are lucky enough to be passing through Alexandria, Indiana, you could stop and see this 3,500 pound ball of paint. Or you could keep driving.
1 The Most Rattlesnakes Sat in a Tub With
This list-topper falls into the whole “if I just do something so strange and improbably that no one else will have done it” category of records save one detail: apparently a man named Jackie Bibby sat in a bathtub with 87 rattle snakes for the better part of an hour. What is the detail there that stands out? You guessed it… 87 rattle snakes? Did someone really sit in a tub with 86 at some point? The answer, so far as I can tell, is no. And I doubt anyone is going to get themselves 88 rattlers, a bathtub, and an hour of free time anywhere in the near future, so Mr. Bibby, I guess you win?
Got any crazy records you yourself have set? Maybe you have a great collection of spoons or pencil cases or something? Whatever it is, you should be very proud of yourself, as you are part of a noble tradition. As for me, I am proud to announce I have the world’s smallest collection of harpsichords, at zero!