Upper Body Strength Training Aka 5 Ways Lance Armstrong Doesn’t Bulk Up

Open up any of the nonsensical magazines your woman reads and they all talk about what women look for in a man, financial security, in touch with their feelings, sense of humor, blah blahblah. It’s all a bunch of crap. When you get down to it, they want someone that will look good with their shirt off and who can back down the guy at the bar she was flirting with because she got drunk and wanted to make you jealous. Fortunately for you the process of adding a bit of bulk to your upper body is easier than understanding the female psyche. These are the Top 5 ways to help fend off her 2a.m. suitors.

5 Cable Crunch

If you want to look like Ryan Reynolds (remember when he was the lanky guy from Two Guys and Girl and a Pizza Place and then they changed the name of the show to Two guys and a Girl like leaving the Pizza place was going to help the ratings repellent that was that show. OK, I’m way off topic.) on the cover of a magazine you need to work your abs. For the cable crunch you will need a piece of equipment that offers an overhead pulley and a rope attachment. A standard gym will have several. Kneel below the pulley and grasp rope by your ears. Lean forward in a bowing motion bending only at the waist. Repeat until a woman from the 1800s could wash her bonnet on your stomach.

4 Dips

While they primarily focus on the triceps, dips also work portions of your back and chest simultaneously. The best way to perform dips is with a dip bar at the gym. You can use the backs of two chairs in a pinch by 87% of the time it leads to a broken nose and a segment on Americas Funniest Home Videos. Plus most gyms have machines dedicated to dips. That is a big help to a vast percentage of the population that can’t support their own weight let alone dip it. Working your triceps is a great way to fill out the baggy sleeves on your T-shirts.

3 Shoulder shrugs

According to a survey I just made up, the trapezius are the most underrated muscle on your body. 99% of the population has underdeveloped traps rendering them nearly forgotten. But a small time investment throughout the week can really set you apart from the rest of the pack. Grasp a barbell (palms toward you) at shoulder or a little wider width and lift to a standing position. Shrug your shoulders straight up and down. Rolling your shoulders backwards and forwards will not provide near as much benefit and the potential for injury is dramatically increased.

2 Bench Press

Since the Golden Age of comics, super heroes have always been portrayed with massive chests. Sure Superman had the advantage of our yellow sun and Captain America was a genetically engineered super soldier but the mother F’n Batman did it the old fashioned way. A bench, barbell and Boy Wonder to spot him. All joking aside, having a spotter is critical to the bench press. It allows you to push more than you are able to on your own and you won’t die. If you want him dressed in tights and a mask, then that’s your deal.

1 Bicep Curls

There is a reason they call them Guns. Because when they are big they have the same intimidation factor. So it is time to break out some curls. It doesn’t matter if your use barbells, dumbbells or the groceries, curls are the best way to add inches to your biceps. There aren’t many things as versatile as curls. Depending on your grip and rotation of your writs you can perform 10 different versions that will all work more concentrated areas of your bicep.

Using all 5 of these Exercises and movements together will help you build a balanced upper body. There is nothing worse than someone who hyper focuses on one body part and it becomes wildly out of proportion from everything else. Don’t be that guy. Just follow the steps and enjoy having women look at you like you’re a piece of meat. I can’t imagine a better put together list but if you can I want to see it.

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