Under the Influence: the Top 5 Worst Drunk Decisions

When you’re drunk, the world is your oyster. The only problem is, that oyster happens to be filled with a seemingly endless supply of horrendous decisions just waiting to be made. So what are you to do? Assuming that not drinking just isn’t a legitimate option, read on. Learn to enjoy yourself while avoiding these common missteps that can make your next morning way more miserable than your average hangover.

5 Calling in Sick

It may not be the responsible thing to do, but sometimes calling in sick because you were too drunk the night before is the right move. However, deciding to do so by writing an email or leaving your boss a voicemail the night before, while still plastered, is NEVER the right move. Guess what, nobody calls in sick at 3 a.m. So when your boss gets your rambling voicemail where you sporadically go in and out of your “fake sick voice,” he knows you’re drunk. Or when he reads your email that claims you are “surfering from flub-like simptums,” he knows you’re drunk. It can ALWAYS wait until morning.

4 Fast Food/Delivery

Unfortunately, the alternative to cooking yourself a meal while hammered is ordering in, or sometimes even taking a cab to one or more of your local fast food joints. Both of which are sure to end horribly. Some people have the issue of their eyes being bigger than their stomach. Drunk people have the issue of their eyes being bigger than their kitchen. Purchasing food while drunk is an endeavor that is sure to devastate not only your wallet, but also your bowels and self-respect. No one needs to take down a 40-piece nugget meal and two Crunch Wrap Supremes by themselves. No one.

3 Cooking

It always seems like a great idea to whip up a nice drunken late-night meal (or mid-day meal, if you have a serious problem), but it’s not a venture that usually works out well. Cooking while drunk will too often result in you tossing some pasta in the toaster oven … in a plastic bowl. Or throwing 37 pizza rolls in the microwave … then finding them three days later. In the worst case you’ll burn down your house, and in the best case you’ll slap together some random ingredients to make a coleslaw and peanut butter sandwich that you’ll be burping up for the next week. Don’t do it.

2 Posting to Facebook

Often, every thought we have while drunk seems like sheer brilliance that must be shared with the world. But guess what, no one needs to read your drunken diatribe on the state of U.S. healthcare laws, and they certainly don’t need to be reminded of how much you miss “SNICK” on Nickelodeon by having you clog up their news feed with upwards of a dozen YouTube clips of “All That” and “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” So next time you’re struck with a flash of drunken inspiration, do us all a favor – write it down somewhere and look at it tomorrow. Not quite as brilliant as you thought, huh?

1 Calling your Ex

This one almost goes without saying, but take whatever precautions necessary to be sure that you DO NOT call your ex after a night of hard drinking. In fact, delete that number out of your phone and do your best to forget it forever. It will seem like a good idea at the time – you just want to see how they’ve been. You know, catch up. But what starts as an innocent call will surely turn into a regrettable voicemail. You’ll start off even keeled, then quickly get unjustifiably angry for three minutes or so, and inevitably wrap it up by claiming you’re “doing just fine” while clearly sobbing uncontrollably.

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