Breakfast – that most important meal of the day! (You hear that, supper? Yeah, sit back down, dog, you heard it.) And a meal when it’s of paramount importance that you get plenty of nutritious fuel for the day! So make sure to have at least two grapefruits, several rashers of lean turkey bacon, whole wheat toast, a Cobb salad, and plenty of lentils! What? No time for all that? Oh no! What to do?
Stay calm, kiddo, we got you covered: when you only have thirty eight seconds to eat breakfast and you need enough People Fuel to power your way through the morning shift at the geodesic dome assembly plant then you need delicious awesome sugary breakfast cereal! A bowl or five of any of these tasty treats will surely lead to a productive surge (followed perhaps by a precipitous crash, yes, but a big part of the game here is based on taste. It’s kind of like health candy, see?).
5 Fruity Pebbles
Fruity Pebbles don’t taste at all like actual pebbles, but they still made it onto the list! Now listen, before you start jawboning about how we didn’t mention Cocoa Pebbles, or Puffs, or Count Chocula (oh man, I really want some chocolate cereal right now) in this list of sugary cereals, calm down: we feel that cocoa-y cereals are a separate category, and just give it time. Thank you for understanding. NOW! Fruity Pebbles! If they didn’t get so soggy so fast, maybe they’d be higher on the list. Much like little bits of crunchy colorful candy, what this cereal lacks in nutritional value, it makes up for in Flintstone’s endorsements.
4 Apple Jacks!
Apple Jacks! The cereal so not-apple flavored, the brilliant marketing minds at Kellogg’s took it and ran with it. You remember the whole: “it doesn’t even taste like apples” (I paraphrase, people) ad campaign of yester-decade, no? Well, they don’t really taste like apples, but Apple Jacks do have a specific sweetness that is almost pomaceous and unforgettably specific.
3 Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a box full of whole grain squares of delicious refinement. A gentleman’s cereal, if there ever was one, I say. Sort of. What Cinnamon Toast Crunch really has going for it, rather unlike Lucky Charms and seriously unlike Sugar/Honey Smacks, is that it actually has a specific, discernible taste: a sweet cinnamon taste, surprisingly! Surprising because so many cereals seem to have been named by people who were actually a minimum of two time zones away from the product at the time of its inception and were actually taste testing smoked turkey.
2 Honey Smacks
Sugar Smacks (now known as “Honey Smacks”) come in second not because it is all that good of a cereal, but rather because it is a shameless, in-your-face, sucrose assault of a cereal. I mean, just look at the name. This cereal makes it damn well clear that it will smack you in your face with sugar! The frog on the box? As Ilearned in my research, approximately 50% of the weight of this cereal is sugar, and I’m not even sure what flavor sugar smacks is supposed to be. Not that it matters: you don’t eat Pixie Stix for the subtle hints of Blue Raspberry and you don’t scarf down a bowl of Sugar Smacks for the fiber and complex carbs, y’know?
1 Lucky Charms
If you think Lucky Charms does not deserve to win, then you is crazy in yo’ head. Lucky Charms is American icon (Irish-American?) of breakfast excellence. I mean, it’s hundreds and hundreds of tasty, colorful marshmallow treats dancing about in crunchy wheat cereal (that has itself been dusted in sweet powder, a brilliant innovation of the mid-90s). When you think of breakfast, if you are of a certain age, you can probably picture that bright red box and that ever-smiling though constantly pursued little leprechaun fellow there on the table with you, just waiting to turn your milk into a milkshake, pretty much.
OK, this article has affected me more than some – I am actually in need of cereal right now in a way I’ve not been in a long time. You? No, not do you want cereal too, do you have any? Yeah? Well send it this way, pronto.