Rachel Bloom: Top 5 Songs That Aren’t on the Radio (But Totally Should Be)

I think pop music is ridiculous. But when I say “œridiculous,”I don’t mean that as purely pejorative; pop music is ridiculously fun, ridiculously catchy, and, at this point, ridiculously self-aware of how ridiculous it is. But, pop music is also ridiculous in that most of it portrays a singular type of lifestyle: going to clubs, dating hot 21 year-old models, rhyming “œkosher”with “œfo’ sure.”Pop music is “œfor the masses,”yet it only represents the lifestyle of a select group of people. For the past 3 years, I’ve been doing comedic pop music videos with the overall thesis statement of, “œPop music says life is one thing, but this is a song about how life really is.”

5 Pictures of Your D***

A sexy love song about a girl vindictively putting her ex’s d*** pics on the internet. This song was inspired by Adele’s “œSomeone Like You.”That song, like so many “œaw-gee-I-just-got-dumped”songs before it, is a serenade about her being pensive and wistful. But pop music never does songs about how I am after a breakup: petty and vindictive.

4 You Can Touch My Boobies

Pop music portrays a narrow view of sexuality: a skanky world in which scantily clad men and women drunkenly bask in the joys of cocaine-fueled fornication. So, I decided to keep the overt sexuality of pop music but use a different lens: a boy going through puberty. This video is just as sexual as any pop hit, but the references are technical and vague, limited to what the boy heard from friends and learned from health class at school. (I’m pretty sure “œOuter Labia”is actually a country.) Lots of people have accused me of “œpedophilia,”but the original inspiration for this was reading my own erotic poetry I wrote in my diary at age 11.

3 F*** Me, Ray Bradbury

My send up to “œBaby One More Time.”Except it’s about the greatest sci-fi writer in history. The summer I wrote this, I had just gone through a terrible breakup, was listening to a lot of pop music, and was re-reading Ray Bradbury’s “œThe Martian Chronicles.”As I read, I thought to myself, “œTHIS is the kind of guy I need! Smart, with high concept ideas like my ex, but sensitive and in tune to the emotional heartbeat of the universe.”Sexy pop songs are rarely written about such men.

2 Historically Accurate Disney Princess Song

Like any 90’s kid, I’m obsessed with Disney movies. This obsession led to me locking myself in my room for hours and acting out scenes and songs from those movies I loved, an escape from my miserable school life.(It typically doesn’t play when you reference something that’s on a slide people haven’t gotten to yet.) As my sensibilities got darker, though, I began to look cynically at this escapism, splitting my personality in two””a dark Mr. Hyde rolling his eyes at the starry-eyed, show tune-loving Dr. Jekyll. This video is Mr. Hyde asking Dr. Jekyll: would being a Disney Princess REALLY be that awesome? It also doubles as a plague awareness PSA.

1 I Steal Pets

This video starts out with me as a bubbly preteen gushing about the awesome party she’s going to have tonight with her many friends, except that her “œfriends”are just the pets she’s stolen from the popular people which she then dresses up like their owners. (Terriers R Hawt.) When I saw music videos by happy preteen pop stars like Justin Bieber or that poor Rebecca Black, I couldn’t help but remember how awful being a preteen was for me. Rather than partying with my friends (I had about two (maybe switch to “œboth of them”)), I spent most nights alone playing Rollercoaster Tycoon. Hence, this is an exaggerated video about what a fun bubbly “œparty”would have meant for me at age 12.

To keep up with Rachel’s career, check out her RachelDoesStuff.com.

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