5 Alexander Pope
Noted 18th Century British poet Alexander Pope! He is not only one of the most regularly quoted writers of the English language, but his name already fits right in there, what with the whole Mr. Pope thing. Not only was Pope a prolific poet, but also a political essayist and even a translator of Homer’s epic works The Iliad and The Odyssey! He… oh, wait… right. 18th Century… yeah, he’s dead.
4 Kofi Annan
This guy is another shoe-in for the job: he knows all the biggest players in geopolitics, he has experience talking to crowds, and he’s got a cool name (that part is just icing on the Papal cake). And besides, he is still probably smarting after that whole Syria intervention not going too well. This is the perfect chance for Mr. Annan to revive his once sterling image. And to serve the one billion or so Catholics around the world.
3 Daniel Day-Lewis
Look, the guy can play anything. We believed him as everything from President Lincoln to playing a ruthless turn-of-the-century oil baron to being an honorary Mohican, for god’s sake! Playing the role of pope would be a walk in the park for this plural Academy Award winning actor, so let’s put him on tape for the role. Yes, even D.D. Lewis has to read for a part this big. Clearly he’s going to get the role, though, and do brilliantly.
2 Michelle Obama
No one doesn’t love Mrs. Obama, so let’s give her the big funny hat and sit back to bask in the glow of worldwide consensus. Her husband might be one of the most polarizing figures in recent political history, but she is like the grilled cheese sandwich of global political/social relationships: everyone is happy with grilled cheese. And such fashion sense, too!
1 The Dalai Lama
We all know he’s a great guy, he’s already big into the whole religion thing and we know he can serve in this kind of post without mixing politics into things too much. And besides, he has essentially retired from full-time Lamaing, so this seems like a perfect lateral move for the Spiritual Leader. It’s also likely that the Vatican’s “Papal Shoe Budget” would go down with his ascension to the post.