5 Platza Treatment
An anti-aging massage sounds like a good thing. If anything, you’ll feel relaxed and carefree when you leave the spa. But not if you’re getting a platza treatment. This anti-aging treatment, which is said to tone muscles and boost energy levels, sounds anything but relaxed. Imagine you’re lying on that table, half-naked and ready for some pampering. In walks the masseuse with a tree branch. Actually, it’s more of a broom made of oak leaf branches. The masseuse starts to slap the branch all over your body. Don’t worry; the ends are soaked in warm, which should take most of the itchy-scratchy out of the leaves and twigs. That’s a platza treatment.
4 Babies’ Foreskin
Wastefulness is a sin, so we must find uses for all parts of everything. Perhaps that’s why babies’ foreskin is used in an anti-aging treatment developed by British biomedical company Intercytex. It’s believed that this treatment rejuvenates old, damaged skin using healthy, collagen-producing skin cells called dermal fibroblasts, which are found in post-circumcision babies’ foreskin. However, according to Ron Moy, a dermatologist at the University of California, foreskin cells could also carry viruses. He says that although the fibroblasts are screened for contamination, there’s no such thing as a perfect test. Viruses aside, shouldn’t the idea of foreskin slathered on one’s face creep you out enough to pass on this one?
3 Bird Poop
Nightingale poop facials are all the rage among the anti-aging crowd. Bird experts are at a loss as to what skin benefits you might find in nightingale poop, but CNN reports that dermatopharmacologist Brian Keller, executive vice president of Bio Zone Laboratories, says the poop might work because of its high concentration of urea. You see, bird poop has a combination of urine and poop in it, and apparently urine has been used for a long time to soften skin. Intentionally putting urine and feces on your face — that’s disgustingly awesome.
2 Placenta Cream
Placentas, which is the matter that is expelled after you give birth, make killer facials, according to the skincare company, Lanocrème. It offers a range of placenta-based creams that allegedly make you look younger. Placentas have long been touted as a rich source of nutrients, but Dr. Robin Ashinoff, a clinical associate professor of dermatology at New York University’s Langone Medical Center, reported to CNN that she’s not aware of any studies about the dermatological benefits. Any success with the treatment probably has more to do with the LED lights stimulating the skin to produce collagen than anything in the placenta.
1 Sperm Facial
How many times has a girl heard a line about a sperm facial? All jokes aside, according to the Huffington Post, spermine is a potent antioxidant found in human sperm, and some beauty zealots swear by its anti-aging superpowers. Before you get the heebs thinking about rubbing a stranger’s ejaculate on your face, it’s not actual semen that’s used in the facials. It’s a derivative of the sperm. There. Don’t you feel better? Spermine is applied over the skin, then penetrated with infrared lights so that when you’re done, your skin looks blemish- and wrinkle-free. Shall we sign you up?