Categories: Food Junk Food

Cheesy Poofs? Psh! These Are the Best Cheesy Crackers by the Box

Image Credit: Jill Chen / Shutterstock
Are we excited about this list? Yes. Yes we are. Cheesy crackers are not only one of the finest delicacies known to western culinary aficionados, but they are part of a rapidly expanding sector of popular gastronomy. Or at least they should be. If you packaged a Cheez-It as a fancy hors d’ouvres and gave it someone who had never seen a Cheez-It but had scooped up their share of fine Beluga caviar, do know what they would say?

They would say “Oh my God! This amazing orange square shaped delicacy is delectable, and it will go exquisitely with my scoops of fine Beluga caviar!” That’s what would happen. We have run the focus groups (he have not run the focus groups) and guarantee this would be the exact exchange (we guarantee nothing of the sort. But I’ll bet you).

We’ll not go on and on here, for these fine snackables need little introduction. To the list!

5 Kraft’s Macaroni & Cheese Crackers

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Now, number 5. Yeah. It’s Kraft’s Macaroni & Cheese Crackers. They’re delicious in their own way. I mean, they’re totally delicious, but these things taste more processed than a 501(c)3’s tax return OH! No he didn’t! But he did! And probably not to his own article’s benefit. Sigh. The point is, they taste really, how do we put it nicely, fake. But I guess that is what you have to fairly expect from a cracker that is modeled after the “food”-like product that got us all through college. For that, they hold a soft spot in this graduate’s heart, and they also taste great – in that “very fake tasting food-product” way. But we would recommend that, for arterial health, you keep it to one to six boxes a week. Or month.

4 Wheat Thin’s Artisan Cheese Crackers

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This one is going to cause a ruckus, we just know it! Number 4 is Wheat Thin’s Artisan Cheese Crackers, with their Vermont Sharp Cheddar. These crackers are delicious, they taste mildly healthier than some of the other entries (ahem, #5) and they would get a higher ranking if not for their distinct lack of ubiquity. I can’t find these at most stores! Tragedy, to be sure.

3 Austin brand © Cheese Cracker with Peanut Butter

The number 3 spot goes to the good old Austin brand © Cheese Cracker with Peanut Butter! Damn, these are good crackers. And what convenient packaging, in that little 6 pack cellophane deal! It’s perfect… unless I want more than 6 crackers strike one! And the crackers themselves often tend to be kind of crumbly within that packaging strike two! But, there is peanut butter added to the cracker, so they hold the middle ground with relative ease, my friends.

2 Cheez-Its

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OK, you might have guessed from our intro there that indeed we do love us some Cheez-Its. Not the classiest name in the cracker world, but some of the finest aged cheez flavor to be found. Why not the vaunted number 1 spot for these guys? That gross orangey goo/powder they leave on your fingers really bothers me. Cheez-Its are great and all, they just don’t quite have the mouth-stuffingness of Goldfish. Plus yeah that orange goo.

1 Goldfish

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Straight up, OG, original Goldfish. Yeah, we know they come in White Cheddar and Pretzel and all sorts of crazy flavors but when was the last time you actually just chowed down on some of the good old white-and-orange square bottom, triangle top bag of Goldfish? If it has been so long you can’t taste exactly what you could be tasting in some cruel Pavlovian reflex right now, you owe it yourself to go get some of these OG cheesy cracker triumphs.

Debate away if you must, friends. We don’t claim to know it all when it comes to snacks (we don’t even have to claim it, you see?) but we claim to know enough to say this with confidence: these crackers? These cheesy crackers here on this list?Them some mighty fine cheesy crackers.

Steven John

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