5 Elbow Grease
Yeah that’s right, you get out of it what you put in. If you put in nothing, you can’t get too bent if you get nothing in return (see also #2). Not sure what’s with this so-called internet generation wanting instant gratification for everything from career success to a large order of French fries. Could it possibly be because Google replaced encyclopedias that had actual volumes and pages, and research used to require a library card? Most things in life aren’t just handed to you, but if they are you should hand something back otherwise you will end up miserable. Why do you think there are so many rich philanthropists?
4 Returning Correspondence
Text back, Email the answer if you know it, and return your phone calls. You have 48 hours or we will all think that you are a self-absorbed douche, and if you don’t have time for us then we don’t have time for you. So take it upon yourself to be prompt. No one likes waiting around for anyone else. Do your part. Very adult sauce.
3 Chewing Gum Disposal
You know, you start walking funny, then moments later, deduce that you are sticking to the ground. Look at the bottom of your shoe and reveal… chewing gum. I used to think it was just teenagers and young adolescences dropping little nuggets of sticky situations for unassuming citizens, but I’ve had eyewitness on the carelessness of adults. At first I feel violated, but the just gratitude that it didn’t end up in my hair. Really we can end the madness for everyone if we just take responsibility for our breath perfecting oral fixations. Put it in the trash, it’s that simple. Or swallow it, I’m sure you’ll be fine.
2 Not Getting Your Way
Build a bridge and get over yourself. Flexibility and patience are virtues. You might have to go to a baby shower during a playoff game or you’ll have to wait a few more months for diamond earrings. Gasp! You could even be standing in line for more than 5 minutes. You too could even be asked to put your smart phone away at the dinner table. Do yourself a favor and zen out for a sec, think of others and find happiness in the moment. It could always be worse, and if karma is a real thing, it probably will be. So be nice and gracious and find peace that even though you don’t get your way today, you’ll be here tomorrow to try again.
It will never be done. Never. Just pick a day and do it, because it’s not going to end. As an unassuming passerby, I don’t want to have to wonder if you’re on your third wear of a shirt or play connect the dots with food stains. Nor do I need to know how creative you are now that there is no more clean underwear. When you do muster up the energy to launder, if you only do it half-ass then you look like a wrinkled wack-job and smell a little musty. Nut up, get some quarters, put on a Golden Girls marathon and fold away. You’re future self will thank you and your mother will be proud.