The Top 5 Craziest Claims of the North Koreans

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Let us preface this piece by saying that when we are referring to “the North Koreans” we mean the elite, ruling military and propagandists, not the poor, misled, oppressed people at large. Our hearts go out to those fooled by their own state-run media and lied to by their own government for decades on end. Those doing all the saber-rattling and propagandizing, however, can go ahead and choke on the next thing they eat. Fortunately for us, the ruling elite of the DPRK are not only assholes, they are also evidently suffering from wildly overblown delusions of grandeur. Proof? They actually said all this stuff.

5 Kim Jong Il Had Played a Round of Golf in Which He Shot 38 Points Under Par

North Korean state run media once reported that Kim Jong Il had played a round of golf in which he shot 38 points under par. This was in 1994, but that golf game, which apparently included no fewer than five hole-in-one shots, would still make the late dictator by far the best golfer to have ever played the game. In fact, he would be better than the next best recorded game by 25 strokes.

4 North Korean Claimed to Have Found Unicorns

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For some damn reason, the North Korean propaganda machine released reports late last year that claimed to have found an ancient burial ground containing … unicorns. Yes, magical horned horses – that kind of unicorn. The mythic beasts were supposedly from the stable of a Korean king who ruled some 1,000 or more years ago. Now, to be fair, even most North Koreans are not expected to believe that actual, magical horse-like creatures were found, but the story of myth was supposed to help substantiate a legacy of superlative Korean leaders with their capital near Pyongyang. What we ask is, why not just say that?

3 “We Are on the Verge of a Nuclear War!”

“We are on the verge of a nuclear war!” shout the news and intelligence ministries of North Korea. The North claims to be just inches away from an all-out nuclear conflict with its hated neighbor to the south. When asked about the coming apocalyptic conflict, the South Koreans essentially heaved a collective sigh. The North Koreans have a long established tradition of getting all loud and upset and threatening things like WWIII in the hopes of getting a bit of respect, attention and aid, but this time it seems we’re all just too tired of it to concede.

2 North Koreans Claimed to Have Invented a “Super Drink”

In 2010, the North Koreans claimed to have invented a “super drink” capable of stopping and even reversing the aging process, enhancing the brain’s power and efficiency, and of giving its consumer unbridled energy and vigor. The drink was made by the Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice Joint Venture and, of course, was in fact total BS.

1 The DPRK Claims

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The DPRK claims to be ready to destroy multiple U.S. cities with their nuclear-armed inter-continental ballistic missiles. They have even released maps showing them targeting Southern California, Central Texas and the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C. The thing is, though, that their ICB missiles actually have the range to reach none of these targets even by half the distance.

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