5 Snoring Stipend
Everyone wants to sleep on the plane. But not everyone gets to. Often because the passenger next to them is snoring so loud they’re actually dwarfing the sound of the jet engines. While it’s a legitimate affliction that can be very difficult to cure, if you haven’t found a solution to stop your freight train-like snoring then you just shouldn’t be allowed to sleep on airplanes. The higher the decibel-level coming from your face, the more you should be charged, with an added tax for drooling.
4 Ridiculous Food Fare
Yes, airport food is expensive. Yes, it’s understandable for passengers to try and save money by bringing their own snacks on board. No, it is not okay for you to pop open a Tupperware of last night’s curry or a medley of Brussels sprouts and broccoli, allowing them the funkify the entire airplane. Feel free to bring a Ziploc baggy full of Cheez-Its, a turkey sandwich or some fresh fruit. But if you’re toting a bowl of sheep’s head soup, then you should be charged an arm and a leg.
3 Gastrointestinal Penalty
When you’re trapped in a metal box 39,000 feet in the air, it’s unavoidable that you’re going to inhale stale, pressurized cabin air for the duration of your flight. That’s bad enough. So when you take a long, slow breath in and are suddenly punched in the face by some other passenger’s airborne anal deposit, you’re understandably miffed. Airlines should install heat sensors in the seats that monitor how many air biscuits each passenger releases, and charge them accordingly. Oh, and fifty bucks flat for any in-flight number twos.
2 Chatty Fee
You know that guy on the plane who feels the need to tell you all about his latest “invention” idea? Or that woman who insists on showing you pictures of her beloved Yorkie? Why are these terrible people not being penalized financially?! Airlines should be monitoring unwelcome on-board conversation and charging passengers accordingly at the flight’s culmination. It’s a safe bet that Jerry in 12C won’t feel the need to regale you with tales of his varsity football glory days if he’s being charged a nickel a word.
1 Baby Surcharge
A baby is the second worst thing you can bring on an airplane, the first being the reason you have to take off your shoes at security. Babies are effectively ticking time bombs that could go off at any moment, making everyone on board want to pull the emergency exit and be sucked out. Honestly, you shouldn’t bring your child on an airplane until they are old enough to wipe their own butt, or just to be safe, until they can legally drive. If airlines charged a baby fee, passengers would think twice before bringing their little bundles of awful on board.