It’s that time of year again, the time when Apple holds its annual Worldwide Developers Conference and gives all of us the heads up on what we will be buying in droves from the tech giant in the near future.
The WWDC is a four-day event held in San Francisco and is a veritable nerd heaven, stimulating a seemingly unending sea of live bloggers, furiously typing away their first impressions of each new product. Apple treats it as their finest hour as they unveil what’s coming next in this tech version of a killer rock show, and we the puny consumer are made to believe we’ve been given new reasons to wake up in the morning. So what’s ahead from Apple that you can’t afford to miss (and also probably can’t afford)?
5 iTunes Radio
And if you thought for a moment that Apple wasn’t quickly piecing together a way to crush Spotify, think again. Behold, Apple Radio! This completely free service will be built right into your music app and will develop custom stations based on the artists and songs that you like. And yes, Apple knows all, so accept now that your secret love of Menudo may not be a secret for very much longer.
4 OSX Mavericks
Apple also previewed the newest operating system for their Mac computers, Mavericks, which is set to launch this fall. The new system has a noticeably different name, because evidently, after calling previous OS’s things like Cheetah, Snow Leopard, and Lion, Apple just plum ran out of large cat breeds to name it after. In any case, Mavericks will bring with it tons of new features, including Apple Maps for the desktop (so you can finally get lost right in your own home), a new version of Safari (for you to again ignore and install Firefox anyway), and the ability to read iBooks on your desktop (because who wants their eyesight to last anyway?).
3 iOS 7
If you’re finally starting to get used to how your iPhone and iPad work, don’t get too comfortable because Apple will soon rollout the new operating system for those devices; iOS 7. The new version will feature longer battery life, a camera with built-in Instagram filters so you can immediately make every picture you take look way better than it does in stupid real life, and for all you misogynists out there, you can even change Siri to a man’s voice (finally).
2 MacBook Airs
Apple also unveiled a new line of MacBook Airs, updating their ever-popular laptop and surely rendering your current MacBook Air a useless piece of crap to be used as nothing more than a paperweight or in a bind, a nutcracker. The new Airs will be cheaper, have more storage, better graphics performance, faster Wi-Fi access and considerably longer battery life than their predecessors. See? Now don’t you feel gross even reading this on your crappy old MacBook?
1 Mac Pro
Apple unveiled the new version of its Mac Pro desktop computer, and we’re only sure it’s a computer because they said it is. The dramatic redesign features a sleek cylindrical shape that makes the tower look like it’s either a really nice garbage can or possibly a small nuclear weapon. It will be double the speed of the previous version, assembled entirely in the United States and feature the groundbreaking design of a “unified thermal core” (also another reason to consider that this may actually be a bomb).