5 Justin Bieber
By now you probably have a pretty bad taste in your mouth, so let’s end with one that should make you smile – if you can get over the bowel-clenching shock that “we” have made this foppish man-boy into a huge celebrity superstar. Yeah, we’re gonna quote Justin Bieber (dammit, even just typing that name hurts a bit): “I’m not going for the Sixteenth Chapel look.” Here’s the thing, though … he said that right after David Letterman said the name Sistine Chapel. This folks, is our little idol? More like idle. Bam.
4 George W. Bush
Next up, a man we heard from all the time for eight years, give or take a few months of campaigning, and from whom we now hear blessedly little. George W. Bush spoke these words in late 2002, not long before his administration embroiled tens of thousands of Americans in one of the biggest messes of recent history. But with logic like this, can we really be surprised? “I want to send the signal to our enemy that you have aroused a compassionate and decent and mighty nation, and we’re going to hunt you down.”
3 Paris Hilton
This next quote may make you punch a hole in the wall, so we recommend not reading it until you’re near a surface in which you have been intending to install a sconce. Keep in mind the windbag saying this has never worked an honest day in her life: “Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” Who said it? Goddamn Paris Hilton.
2 Tila Tequila
Before we get to this second quote, let’s be clear: we are talking about celebrities here, not actors of esteem and regard, not talented musicians, or charming TV show hosts, or anyone like that. And for some goddamn reason, the person known as Tila Tequila falls into this category. Don’t ask me where she came from, and certainly don’t ask what the hell she was thinking when she said this into a microphone: “I’m shooting a commercial for safe sex. How ironic. Because I don’t have that.”
1 Mr. David Hasselhoff
“I’ve got taste. It’s inbred in me.” That little nugget of gold was spoken by America’s favorite lifeguard, Mr. David Hasselhoff. In seven syllables, he managed to say something while inadvertently revealing it to be absolutely inaccurate – and proving his intellectual prowess to be closer to field mouse than rocket scientist.