5 They Have to Audition a New Anchor for Their Flip Cup Team
Okay, you’re at home making babies, or trying not to make babies, but making a lot of something because I haven’t seen you weeks. You have no time to get drunk at parties so I have to find a permanent sub for the DD rotation. Maybe it’s a friend from work, a neighbor or a friend of a friend. Still this person is having a hard time meshing with the crowd. Let’s face it, it’s hard to replace years of friendship with someone I only like because their music doesn’t annoy me from across a cubical. I don’t want a new friend, I want my old one back.
Save it for the love nest. The occasional photo, sure. Want to ‘like’ a status update, go for it. Saying ‘goodnight,’ ‘good luck,’ ‘I love you,’ or ‘baby-girl,get ready for tonight and don’t forget to take your pill’ on each other’s wall makes me vomit. Don’t you guys practically live together? Can’t you say that in person? I know you text all the time, wouldn’t a text message be a more appropriate form of communication for this type of gooey love banter? I’m glad you’ve committed to this person in a public arena, but I don’t need to know beyond the relationship status. Let’s keep the kissy face make out profile pics to a minimum. I’m getting worried you’ll become those people that merge your Facebook pages: John&Jane Doe/Smith and take awkward family photos with your seven dogs.
3 You Don’t Shut Up About It
It’s GF this and BF that, blah blahblah. He is… she is… so beautiful, so funny, so smart, so caring, so thoughtful, so handsome, great, neat-o, fantastic, unique. Yes, we’ve met, several times. I agree, you two are great for each other, but I’d really love to chat about something else. Like how I lost my job or my parent that got sick. Have you been brainwashed? No one else seems to exist to you besides your lover. What they wore today, what they ate for dinner, what they said after they farted. I don’t care. Be mindful of how much you blather on about someone I’m not sleeping with.
2 They Feel Abandonment on Weekends for Farmers Markets, and Couples with Kids
I get it, couples hang out with other couples so you guys can talk about things couples do to drive each other nuts. Just watch who you ditch for a 2 year old’s birthday party. When you get some random kid a more expensive gift than that round of shots you bought for my birthday, check your priorities. And not every Sunday has to be a farmer’s market Sunday. The kale will still be there next week if we skip it enjoy bloody marys. I am so sick of working around your significant other’s social calendar. Last I checked you two weren’t attached at the hip, but we haven’t seen each other in a while.
1 You’re Constantly Checking Your Phone for Love Texts and Snickering About It
It’s difficult to attempt a serious conversation with someone who obviously rather be with someone else. What’s even more maddening is laughter at a joke I do not have the privilege of hearing. It’s great that you have a strong textual bond with your honey-pie-smoopie-babe, but have some respect for your friend who’s physically next to you. You wouldn’t have one eye on your phone when speaking to your boss or your doctor. Why do that to your best pal who’s been there since before you met this fool with a 50% chance of heartbreak.
It’s lovely being in love, but it’s very personal. Don’t get me wrong, any good friend will be happy you are happy, but know the limits of that friend. Finding balance with your new love and your old friends will build a foundation for everyone to get along. This way if you decide to marry you’ll still have friends standing next to you at your wedding. And if you break up you’ll still have friends standing next to you while you sob over another failed relationship. Either way, you will need those friends.