And in an often bleak world still searching for a savior, he seems as relevant today as ever, as evidenced by all of the hype and fanfare surrounding the latest Superman film vehicle, Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel. But here’s the thing you guys… Superman sucks. Not just a little, but a whole lot, and in nearly every aspect of his life.
Image Credit: Comicvine.com
Is there any single comic book character more universally beloved than Superman? Since his first appearance in 1938, Krypton’s last son has captivated audiences through every medium he’s appeared in; comic books, toys, cartoons, movies, television. You name it, Superman has conquered it.
It’s an accepted fact that Superman can fly at such an incredible rate around the planet that he can effectively reverse the Earth’s rotation and turn back time. And what is he doing with it? Saving a girl, of course. Somehow though, he feels in no way compelled to go back and deal with Hitler, or stop Pearl Harbor from happening, or even prevent Taylor Swift from being born. Come on, Supes! Why you gotta be so damn self-centered?
Of all the Earth’s supposed greatest heroes, Superman has by far the absolute weakest lineup of “archenemies.” First there’s Bizarro, who is really nothing more than a sad, mentally handicapped clone of Superman. Then there’s Mr. Mxyzptlk, a fiendish midget who can only be banished if you trick him into saying his name backwards (what?). How about Doomsday? He looks like a prehistoric rhino on steroids and was somehow able to just beat the supposed Man of Steel to death. And of course, Lex Luthor, Superman’s most feared foe. Or just a really rich bald guy. Weak sauce.
He’s the indestructible man. He can deflect bullets like puny gnats. He can walk through a burning building unscathed. He can survive a crumbling skyscraper literally falling on his head. Just don’t bring any of those little green rocks near him, he hates them. Superman suddenly turns from the single most powerful being on the planet to a sweaty, stumbling mess while in the presence of what appears to be neon costume jewelry. His aversion to Kryptonite is the interplanetary equivalent of a peanut allergy.
Think about it, is Clark Kent/Superman/Kal El/The Man of Steel/whatever the hell else he goes by really such an upstanding citizen? After all, every time he needs to spring into action he slips into a phone booth and violates several public nudity statutes. Right out there in the streets for everyone to see! And now that phone booths are a thing of the past, where the hell is he changing? In the back of a UPS truck? In your car? Or just behind a guy who happens to be on his cell phone? Just because it happens super-fast doesn’t make it any less super-weird.
The guy is supposed to be a reporter, but whenever there’s a huge disaster that needs to be covered, he’s nowhere to be found. So how the hell does he manage to keep his day job? Sure, he’s missing all the time because he happens to be out trying to actively prevent or combat said disaster, but from a boss’ point of view, Perry White has got to constantly be wondering “Where the hell is Clark Kent?!” In short, Clark’s got to miss a few saves and get a few more scoops if he realistically hopes to pay the bills on time.