Putting The Fun Back In Sex: Birth Control Methods And Their Histories

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Family planning is essential, just ask the 16 year old who has to tell her parents she’s eating for two. Come on America, did we not learn anything from the first season of Glee? What about the precocious teen in Juno?Guess it’s up to me to send an important message about birth control: during childbirth you can rip your perineum.Yeah, that’s from one hole to another, and if you were paying attention in anatomy class you know there’s only three down there, so guess which two are becoming one. Chew on that, then tell me you still feel weird about insisting he wears a condom. Of course there are other reasons for contraceptives like disease and God, so here’s a history lesson on our favorites.

5 The Calendar

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Most people try to time it right, counting days between visits from aunt flow to calculate when baby-making time is in its prime. In truth, ovulation was a complete mystery until the 1930s. In ancient India, intercourse was encouraged during menstruation as it was thought that was the batter to make the bun that went in the oven. They were wrong, but that didn’t stop them from making babies.

4 The Pill

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After the church came down hard on sex (that’s what she said) birth control was made illegal all together in the US. Gasp! It wasn’t until 1938 was the law deemed unconstitutional, 65 years after the ban. Shout to Margaret Sanger, a devoted Suffragette who dedicated her life to making birth control available by prescription to anyone who desired it. She also is responsible for raising the money for the pill. If she were alive today I’m certain there would be a parade in her honor. She should have her own day with a long weekend so the good people of this country can fornicate.

3 Abstinence

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In ancient times it was important for a bride to be a virgin. This ensured paternity. No one wanted to be raising someone else’s son, especially if he’s a smart-ass. This later backfired as married woman everywhere were closing their legs so they didn’t get knocked up, which drove their husbands to prostitution. Back in the day, abortion was also a very popular choice until it was declared murder by Pope Pius IX in 1869. Then there was all that junk the church spewed about sex being immoral if practiced for pleasure. What else would you practice it for? After the Karma Sutra was discovered the church then outlawed “outercourse” saying it was unnatural and worse than adultery. Poor kids.

2 Diaphragm

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The first condoms are said to be made of fish bladders. Yeah, that’s right. Caveman from France to Egypt were getting busy. Other animal tissue and gut sheaths and helped stop renaissance kings from having illegitimate children, but wasn’t available to anyone else of that time. Probably why there are so many bastards in Game of Thrones. There is folklore surrounding the naming of the condom, but the Latin word, condon, meaning receptacle is the most likely. Rubber condoms were first mass-produced in 1843 most likely due the rise of venereal diseases. But if you’re going green, you can still get a sheep intestine condom today. For her pleasure?

1 Condom

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The first condoms are said to be made of fish bladders. Yeah, that’s right. Caveman from France to Egypt were getting busy. Other animal tissue and gut sheaths and helped stop renaissance kings from having illegitimate children, but wasn’t available to anyone else of that time. Probably why there are so many bastards in Game of Thrones. There is folklore surrounding the naming of the condom, but the Latin word, condon, meaning receptacle is the most likely. Rubber condoms were first mass-produced in 1843 most likely due the rise of venereal diseases. But if you’re going green, you can still get a sheep intestine condom today. For her pleasure?

There are lots of methods out there today. You got your ‘4 Bloody Marys’ per year kind, the ‘3 day light flow kind,’ the ‘shove a ring up in me kind,’ the ‘patch kind,’ the ‘shot in the ass kind,’ the ‘never ever have a period ever kind,’ and it’s all basically fool proof. Good luck friends.

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