Now, we at Top 5 know that all of our readers are undeniable chick magnets, fighting off women to maintain their purity and reputation. Or, wait… what’s the opposite of what I just said? At any rate, all people occasionally find themselves in situations where they just can’t shake a lover. And some times, direct confrontation just won’t work. What would we suggest: Trickery! Deceit! Manipulation! And here, folks, are our five favorite ways to scare off women as quickly as possible without having to disclose your feelings or mature on a personal level.
5 Start Calling Her “Mom” During Sex
If none of the above tactics goes anywhere, this one ultra-creepy tip will surely turn her off for good. Especially if you’re looking into her eyes when you do it. Now, you really have to commit to it, because once might not be enough. Or she might write it off as an accident. You have to shout it out at the top of your lungs. If you really want to hasten things toward a creepy conclusion, you can try calling her your sister’s name every once in a while. Or “Dad.” You can back these things up by calling her “my little matron” during post-coitus cuddling.
4 “Accidentally” Leave Pictures of Muscular, Hairless Men Lying Around
This technique can only really be employed if you don’t have many mutual friends with her, because its one of the last cut-and-run cards left in your deck. Try cutting out some Abercrombie ads and leaving them on the bed. Then when she finds it and asks you, just say something vague along the lines of, “Oh, I was just looking at this by myself earlier.” Then stare at the photo a little too long with a smile on your face. But try not to say things like, “I wish I had abs like that,” because she may mistake it for a desire to get in shape. Instead, say things like, “I’d love to just swim in his eyes for hours.”
3 Begin Collecting Porcelain Precious Moments Figurines
Now, you can honestly collect anything religiously to try to scare off women: comic books, action figures, guns, porn, medical oddities. But, if you’re trying to drive women away and keep them away, why not collect something that calls your heterosexuality into doubt? This is especially true if you can dust them within view of her on a daily basis. Show her that you really care about those sappy little angels. And, from time to time, pick one up with feather duster in hand and smile lovingly at it before you look to her and squeal, “Aren’t they just darling?”
2 Bust out the Muttonchops
Unless you’re a brigadier general in the 1800s, muttonchops aren’t going to attract any ladies. They only really work in sepia-toned photographs. Even then, the only message they send is, “I know more about mining gold than you do.” So, imagine your significant other’s reaction when she finds out that she’ll be snuggling with an effete werewolf from now on. It’s also important that whenever they come up in conversation, you refer to them as part of who you are, essential to your identity. We hope that that’s not true, and she won’t stick around to find out.
1 Compare Her to Your Exes
Just as you should never discuss former lovers on a first date, talking about them is a brilliant route to hasten a break up. But, if discussing your exes will increase the odds of a break, comparing your exes to your current gal will ensure it. To start, learn your significant other’s perceived failures, and talk about all of your exes as if they were the opposite. If that doesn’t work, try denigrating her by comparing her best qualities to your exes. This will leave her emotionally crippled and unsuitable for future relationships. BONUS!!
Top 5 takes no responsibility for any personal, corporal, or emotional injury that may result from the implementation of the above techniques. In fact, you should only use them as a last ditch effort if you’re too heartless to just break up with her outright. Or you think it would be funnier. But if you have a technique you’ve used to drive women away (and keep them away), we’d certainly like to learn from your mistakes. After all, you seem to be an expert at not getting laid. Teach us!.