5 Jerricho Cotchery – WR, Pittsburgh Steelers
Unlike his Steelers teammate Mr. Suisham, Jerricho Cotchery is actually on this list for how unpleasant his name is to say. Individually, the names are fine enough. Jerricho is actually pretty bad-ass. And Cotchery, well it sort of immediately makes you think of a crotch, but hey, it’s unique. Together though, Jerricho Cotchery somehow just sounds like a horrible old-timey disease. Like you wouldn’t even question it if your friend told you his grandpa lost his leg to a bad case of Jerricho Cotchery. In fact, he probably caught it during his month at sea aboard Captain Munnerlyn’s vessel. It’s all coming full circle!
4 Richie Incognito – G, Miami Dolphins
Is Richie Incognito a 7-year NFL veteran? Or is he a Simpsons gangster character named by Fat Tony for his ability to move seamlessly into and out of a room? Or is he a 1940s gumshoe private eye who’s going to break the news to your wife about your secret family in Florida? Based solely on his name, it’s fairly obvious which one you wouldn’t choose. And based on the look of him, the absolute last thing this dude should ever be called is incognito.
3 Shaun Suisham – K, Pittsburgh Steelers
You’d be hard pressed to find any name in the world more phonetically pleasing to say than Shaun Suisham. It just rolls off the tongue like a beautiful poem of syllables. In fact, if you close your eyes and say it over and over, you’ll notice it mimics the exact sound of an old man walking through the mall in windbreaker pants. Probably bright purple ones. Shaun Sui-sham… Shaun Sui-sham… Shaun Sui-sham… it’s freaking hypnotic. Now we just have to hope that Shaun is wise enough to give his children names as smooth as his. May we suggest Shane Suisham? Shannon Suisham? Sasha Suisham? Hell, why not even get an exotic pet like, oh I don’t know, a large white bird named Swan Suisham!?
2 Captain Munnerlyn – CB, Carolina Panthers
Not unlike our first entry King, Captain Munnerlyn has conveniently got his official rank built right into his name, and it’s a rank that inherently demands respect. When you hear that Captain Munnerlyn has something to say, you listen you filthy deckhand. With a name that’s less fitting of a NFL defensive back and more fitting of a decorated swashbuckler, it only makes sense that Captain Munnerlyn is actually named after his great-great grandfather, who we assume was a dashing seafarer. Munnerlyn says he’s always felt like a born leader, and that it’s okay if the Panthers never make him a captain, because his mom already did.
1 King Dunlap – OT, Philadelphia Eagles
As if this name wasn’t already cool enough, his full name is actually King David Dunlap V. Yeah, as in the fifth. So there were four King Dunlap’s before him. So was he Prince Dunlap when he was a baby? No sir. He was King the moment he was born. And with a full name like King David Dunlap, we can only hope that he has the good judgment to use the entire thing when they ask for his name at Starbucks. Because if just once in your life, you got to hear a barista yell out “Tall, non-fat, mocha latte for King David Dunlap the Fifth!” then you my friend, will have truly lived.
Did we miss anyone that should’ve made the rankings, why not make a list of your own? Just don’t think you clued us in on Ziggy Hood, we’re well aware of him, he just missed the cut.