During this new generation of booze conveyance methods (BCM, for those in the know) we have also seen the adoption of a tried-and-true method of wine conveyance (WC) long reserved for our more mass-market varieties now used by pricier, quality vintners. We’re talking, of course, about boxed wine! No longer reserved just for poor college students/classy ladies nights, boxed wine is no longer a synonym for cheap wine.
That said, while we sample some of the finer offerings, we also remember to always dance with the one that brungya, so number 1 on our list is…
5 Tandem Juice Boxes
Any wine from Tandem is our number 5 placeholder. Why? Their wine is in JUICE BOXES! OK, little wine boxes, but come on, we all know what that is. And more importantly, other folks probably don’t. No more must your beach volleyball match or children’s piano recital be free of fine wine to sip: grab a juice box of wine, say something aloud like “I just love sipping APPLE… JUICE…” and you’re home free, you little scamp!
4 Silver Birch’s Sauvignon Blanc
Silver Birch’s Sauvignon Blanc is on here mainly just because it comes in the OctoBlock, which is what this octagonal box should be called, instead of being nameless. Dammit, if only we were in charge here… Anyway, 3 liters of wine for about $25 is pretty solid, and this tangy, citrusy wine actually has more flavor and a longer finish than many of the same grape variety. Gotta be the box!
3 Bandit’s Boxed Pinot Grigio
Our number three contender has stealth on his (or her) side. A passing authority figure may easily mistake Bandit’s boxed Pinot Grigio for some sort of coconut water (apparently that’s all the sudden big these days) or soy milk (gross) allowing you to casually slurp away at this screw top, foil-and-cardboard “bottle” box. The wine? Pretty light, a bit grassy, it’s a pinot grigio, whaddya expect? At $8 for a liter, it’s priced just about right.
2 Pepperwood Grove
Pepperwood Grove is the winemaker, and their Big Green Box of Zinfandel is the Number 2 on our list. And, fittingly, for two reasons: it’s a good wine and a great price! At three liters, the Big Green Box is the equivalent of four bottles of wine. At $20, that, of course, means each bottle would run you just five bucks. This Zin is easily worth more than five bucks a bottle, so we got a winner! Pretty big spicy notes, kind of peppery, pair with lighter meats, etc. The points we have made already are the ones to drive home.
1 Franzia, of course!
5 liters of wine for about ten bucks? Hell yeah! In fact, scholarly studies (OK, “studies” by students) have confirmed time and again that dollar for dollar, molecule of alcohol for molecule of alcohol, there is no cheaper way to get your drank on than with this classic boxed behemoth! Let’s not forget that this wine has over 100 years of history behind it, though that may lead us to wonder why they never made a better wine! But that’s not the point! The point is that whether you need to get an entire bachelorette party of undiscerning ladies sloshed or you need to keep grandma happy for the whole Christmas visit, if you have 10 bucks, you have your answer: a big ol’ box o’ Franzia!
These are indeed exciting times, for college kids, hobos, and the discerning oenophile alike! The boxed wine revolution has begun, and shows no sign of ever relenting. So Boxed Wine UberAlles, we say. Until they finally figure out how to put our idea into action: the Wine Bar! No, not like a place where you go to taste wine you—like a Snickers bar but like… wine… somehow.