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Although it’s simply untrue that a woman cannot be blessed with both looks and smarts, it sure is funny when a gorgeous woman in a pageant shows herself to be the stereotype of, well, dumb and clueless. Let’s face it—a highlight of the entire event is to hear a contestant flub lines, fall down or have to turn in her crown for some sort of indiscretion.
5 Thinking You Have Talent
Beauty pageants often bring to mind the iconic image of Bert Parks singing, “There she is, Miss America.” But, in 1976, Parks decided to put on a musical revue of sorts. The audience of the day seemed to enjoy it, but now that YouTube makes it available, people must wonder if it was for real. Parks sings and dances to Paul McCartney’s “Let ‘Em In.” The only trouble is Parks neither sings nor dances well in this rendition. He struts around and makes facial expressions that look as if he’s undergoing a rectal exam. And the three backup singers’ dancing is even goofier than a “Saturday Night Live” spoof could create: Someone was knocking pretty hard on that air door. Even if not considered a beauty pageant flop at the time, this number did not age well.
The Miss America pageant once stood for good-ole American values and was truly as American as homemade apple pie and the Fourth of July. The 1983 pageant was memorable because that marked the year the first black woman won. Vanessa Williams would not hold the title long, however. Folks didn’t take too kindly to a national sweetheart showing up in “Penthouse” magazine bondage photos with another woman. Williams had the photos taken of her the year before the pageant and, when Bob Guccione, “Penthouse” publisher, got hold of them, he published them without permission, which caused “Vanessa the Undresser,” as she was called, to relinquish her title.
3 Falling Down
So what is any normal red-blooded American to think when presented with a woman who knows just how fabulous she is and obviously loves to flaunt that loveliness at everyone who is lucky enough to view her? We want her to fall down, or have a wardrobe malfunction or something. So when Miss USA, Rachel Smith, came strutting down the aisle at the 2007 Miss Universe pageant in her skintight gown with the neckline that plunged to her navel, the audience’s collective unconsciousness must have willed the hilarious fall that landed this too-full-of-herself creature on her butt. Anyone with a remote handy probably hit the rewind button more than once.
2 Create Education Better
If you say something that can surpass the NBA finals as a trending topic on Twitter, you must have discovered the meaning of life or said something so dumb and incoherent people can’t wait to hear it. Miss Utah Marissa Powell would fall in the latter category after her musings at the 2013 Miss USA Pageant. NeNe Leakes of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” fame asked the deadly (to Powell anyway) question of why women still earn less than men to which this beauty with no apparent brains said, “We need to try to figure out how to…create education better.”
1 Not Having a Map
When 2007 Miss Teen USA contestant Caitlin Upton was asked why some Americans can’t find the United States on a map, Upton, after some pondering… ummm, she came up with a reason: They don’t own maps. And that was actually a much better answer than the conclusion to this thesis of hers, which was that Americans can’t identify the United States on a map because our education system should help “South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries.” OK. Also, what does “our education like such as in South Africa,” another of her ramblings, even mean? And have you ever heard anyone refer to Iraq as “the Iraq” before?