Ahh, Facebook. You allow us to keep in touch, without really keeping in touch. We can stay updated on important events in our friends’ lives without even picking up a phone. Yay, convenience! The downside? We know more banal facts about our acquaintances than we’ve ever wanted to. If only we all followed the same, unwritten, social-media-sharing rules. But, since we don’t…here’s a vast list of status updates we could all live without.
5 Kid Poop
I have two kids and understand the triumph of potty training. That doesn’t mean that I would ever, under any circumstance, assume that anyone other than myself would think Junior’s first bowel movement in the potty was “cute.” I would advise against photographing excrement all together, but if you simply must save an image of it for posterity, lock it away somewhere where it can never disgust another human being or potentially embarrass your child. Bottom line: Never post a “poop update” on Facebook. You’ll be ostracized forever.
4 Political Opinions
Why did you have to post that Rush Limbaugh quote? Now I have to comment on it and offend all your other friends. Why are we “friends” to begin with? Never “friend” anyone whose political opinions differ drastically from yours. Seriously, don’t do it. This may seem like a pretty limiting parameter for cyber-friendship, because it is. The only alternative to avoiding friends who have different political views than yours is never to talk about politics on Facebook. If you do, prepare to open up a discussion in which someone will eventually become irate.
That’s a beautiful seven-layer-cake you made. Why did you post a picture of it on Facebook? They have a site for people like you, who can actually successfully bake one of those things without burning your house down. It’s called Pinterest: Your expertly baked cake belongs there. Or, want to show us all what you had for lunch? Get an Instagram account. It’s what they do over there. I don’t want to see a picture of any food item unless you’ve just made it for me and you wanted me to get a preview of what you’re about to drop off on my doorstep.
2 Creepy Endearments
When Father’s Day rolls around, I take a mental tally of how many of my girlfriends still call their fathers “Daddy” on Facebook. They’re usually the same ones that use baby talk when they’re unhappy about something. Even worse than grown women using “Daddy” is grown men addressing their mothers as “Mommy.” (If only Facebook existed in college, I would have been able to avoid all the man-children I dated by scrolling through their timelines and seeing what they said about “Mommy” on her special day.)
1 Scantily Clad Photos
There’s nothing worse than being inundated with pictures of that girl from high school whose body still looks exactly the same way it did when she was 16. What the…? Why are you rubbing it in, lady? Yes, you look amazing, but we don’t want to be forced to see your flat, toned abs…again.