5 “Yolo” Is Not a Company Value
Mastering flip cup is not a viable skill to showcase on your LinkedIn profile, and your vintage crop top does not read “business casual.” In an age of aggressive job markets, companies are searching for Gen X-er’s with the most professional edge. That homemade bong you decided to post to Instagram junior year? Future employers probably don’t appreciate your resourcefulness as much as your stoned friends did. Now’s the time to tighten up your privacy settings and invest in some standard boring outfits from H&M.
4 You’re Just An Alcoholic Now
Despite the false sense of confidence that your fraternity brothers cultivated in you during the countless mornings of rehashing the trashy events of the previous night, your new coworkers really don’t give an actual s#!t about how wasted/slammed/faded you were the night before. This is not to say that you must abstain from your vice altogether. In fact, indulging in a little liquor will become absolutely vital and between the hours of 5 and 7 you are allowed, if not entitled, to a goddamn drink. But walking around aimlessly through a neighborhood with a lukewarm Four Loko on a Wednesday night? Not so much.
3 Your Grades Don’t Mean S#!t
Despite the amount of time you spent in undergrad pulling all-nighters strung out on Redline and Adderall, your grades, in the long run, will probably prove as useful as campus WiFi. Your future boss will not ask if you procrastinated on your Philosophy 101 paper and making the dean’s list is not a prerequisite for applying for a credit card. For those of you that took this advice to heart the second semester of your freshman year, we applaud you. For those that didn’t, well, we’re sure that spending countless hours in the library alone builds character (…but did it get you laid?).
2 You Won’t See Another Spring Break in Cabo Unless It’s on MTV
This is probably for the best, because nobody really wants to be the creepy old person that lingers around the hot tub and appears as if they are a permanent resort resident. And, just like your coworkers don’t want to hear about your trashy Tuesday night out, they also definitely don’t care about the details of your “last-minute” decision to enroll in a wet t-shirt contest at Cabo Wabo. So skip the Mexican vacay and maybe opt for an Expedia deal in a less embarrassing place like Milwaukee.
1 You’re the Freshman of the Working World
Remember those hot summer days where you laughed derisively at the freshman with their overbearing and overstressed parents and watched as they tried to move an oversized bean bag from their economy car rental to a 4th floor dormitory? You sat there, drank your black coffee, cursed their existence and thanked the gods of higher education that you would never return to that state. Surprise! The tables have turned, my friend, as you immediately find yourself, once again, at the bottom of the totem pole. The hazing is less overt (and less naked), yet still present in the form of office lunches and company manuals you’re expected to memorize in a week. You’ll no doubt try, in vain, to hide your corporate virginity, but in the end you’ll still end up sticking out like a walk of shame on the morning of parents’ day.