Microwave snacks are perhaps not the lowest sodium foodstuffs around, but taken in moderation, they are about the highest satisfaction to lowest effort ratio of foods you could hope for. Just make sure to give it a second before you take that first huge bite, lest you end up with a bad case of Horribly Burned by Hot Cheese Tongue Syndrome, or HBHCTS, as it is more commonly known.
5 Bagel Bite
And at number 5, the venerable Bagel Bite. Totally delicious, a taste of the 90s, easy to make, etc. Why are they at the number 5 spot, then, instead of higher up? Too many memories of burnt bottom lips as the entire toppings of our mini pizzas went sliding off their bagle, depositing the steaming cheese and toppings on our skin. That’s why. And sometimes they look kind of weird once they’re cooked, with a lot of the ingredients glorped over (yes, glorped) on one side or sliding off. No, it’s not a beauty contest, we’re aware, but we still feel a true microwave snack should be hand to mouth, not fork and napkins and such cleaning up the melty mess wrought on our plates.
4 Jose Ole Taquitos
4. Jose Ole Taquitos are available in a few varieties, from shredded steak to chicken and cheese to… maybe a few more. We had some trouble getting them to cook evenly, what with the physics of a microwave and the tubular shape of a taquito, but if you are willing to move them around on the plate at least once and then pop them back in for few more seconds, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by their taste. Just don’t read the ingredients label too closely.
3 TGIFriday’s Microwave Mozzarella Sticks
TGIFriday’s Microwave Mozzarella Sticks! These aren’t necessarily the quality of the gourmet battered and deep fried sticks of mozzarella cheese you would get made fresh at a fine eatery such as TGIFriday’s, but considering you could be eating them in less than 5 minutes after you woke up at three a.m., there is something to be said for the fact that they’re pretty palatable at all, which they are. Use your own fancy choice of marinara to spice things up. Or you could go Alpha… and dip them in melted cheese.
2 Hot Pockets
Hot Pockets: How can we put these at number 2 when they are the iconic microwaveable snack, you ask? Well, if you have a time machine, try one of these things circa 1998. Gross. Today? They have all sorts of options, from pretzel dough to pizza in a pocket (sort of) to ham and cheese in the ol’ pocket, etc., and most of them are damn good. They lose out on top honors for coming out of the gate all those years back with a sort of Salt Dough Stuffed with Flavor Goo. We still shudder when we think of that goo!
1 Tostino’s Pizza Rolls
Tostino’s Pizza Rolls. I mean, was there ever any doubt? 2 or 3 minutes and you are in pizza snack heaven. They offer a fine range of selections, such as peperoni, triple pepperoni, sausage and a taco flavored one that there is no way in hell we’re trying, but still probably good. For some reason, these tasty little guys are marketed mostly to kids, which we think is a grievous oversight on the part of the marketing department over there at Tostino’s, but we don’t hold a grudge, because we’re starving.
There! Now you are all ready to impress your next date with your finely stocked freezer of gourmet delights! Or maybe you should take him/her to a restaurant and keep all these delicacies just as kind of our little secret. No, really, you go on ahead, go out on your date, don’t worry about me. All the food will be right here when you get back.