What Goes Great with Milk and Depression? Chocolate Chip Cookies!

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We’re just kidding of course: even the very happy can enjoy a good chocolate chip cookie! And indeed we encourage you to do so. Too often the chocolate chip cookie is relegated to one of three groups: children, the sniffling, just-got-dumped adult, and your garden variety stoner. Ask yourself, honestly, how long has it been since you have chowed down on a delectable chocolate chip cookie? Probably a good year or two, if you’re like most people (surprising, I know, but true!). Well that makes us depressed, and when we’re depressed we reach for one of these fine chocolate chip cookies.

5 Mrs. Fields

And last in line? Yeah, Mrs. Fields, fine. Some folks over here advocated pretty hard for these cookies, and we gave in. I always thought there was too much “dough” and too little chocolate, but some folks seem to like that. They’re certainly one of the legacy brands, so there’s that, too. I guess you’ll have to try for yourself.

4 Pepperidge Farm’s Sausalito

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Now a lot of you might think Pepperidge Farm’s Sausalito cookies belong higher up on this list. We’re not saying they’re not great cookies, but here’s what we are saying: Macadamia nuts are cheating, and these are fancy millionaire cookies for the 1% anyway! Or, let me rephrase that: you get fewer cookies in that iconic white satchel than you do in a more plebian sleeve of, say, Chips Ahoy, and yet they cost more. And the thing about there being nuts in there, too – honestly, maybe this is the best cooking on our list, but for cookie doping with fancy macadamias, we say they’re 4th in line!

3 Nestle’s Toll House Cookies

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Nestle’s Toll House Cookies would not have been on this list as little as 5 or 6 years ago, but then they figured out just how lazy we Western types are, and they designed bake at home cookies so easy to make, so prepared and even pre-perforated in the package and just easy, that you can have fresh “homemade” cookies with about 3 minutes of prep and 9 to 11 minutes of backing. Let’s call it 15 minutes from the moment you decide you need cookies to the moment they are ready (this is assuming your oven is at all times preheated). Are fresh cookies better than packaged ones? Yes. Do we sometimes still manage to mess them up? Yes. Number 3 they are, then!

2 Keebler

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It was a tough call, and really Chips Ahoy only won out based on their slight edge in prominence and brand recognition. Yes, Keebler, even though their Soft Batch chocolate chip cookies are pretty damn good. I’m not entirely sure how they make them such that they stay soft for so long, and it freaks me out a bit, to be honest. Yes, a few minutes of searching the web would likely reveal the answer, but I bet it’s either A. chemicals, B. elf magic, or C. just the recipe they use and the baking process and then quickly packaging them. Personally, I’m hoping it’s B.

1 Chips Ahoy

Chips Ahoy is the captain of this list, of course. And we mean good old Chips Ahoy – the ones in the blue bag, the ones that are absolutely amazing for a few hours after you open said bag, and the ones that get kind of dry and crumbly by the next day. Sad but true. The solution? Why it’s—did you just say “Eat them all in one sitting?”—plastic bags, obviously. The good folks at the Chips Ahoy factory (also occasionally referred to as Nabisco) have been churning out these tasty treats for just about half a century now, and we tip our cap to them, wishing them another fifty years of success (and if they want to send us free stuff, we’ll make it a hundred years, no problem).

From cookies for the common man to cookies for the wealthy industrialist, now you know how to pick the brand for you! Never spend another three hours standing in the cookie aisle trying to make up your indecisive little mind again!

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