5 “Big Baby” – Glen Davis, Orlando Magic
It’s never fun when you get a nickname for one of your worst qualities, and then it sticks. Now imagine that happened, then you got famous, then it basically became your first name. As a 9-year-old Glen Davis was too big to play with kids his age, so when he was forced to play with older kids he would whine and cry, and a youth league coach nicknamed him “Big Baby.” Now he’s 26 and still trying to get people to stop calling him that. That’s one long-running insult.
4 “LBJ” – LeBron James, Miami Heat
LeBron is primarily known as “King”James, which up until last year would’ve topped this list thanks to the fact that he had not yet won a championship, yet we were still all expected to refer to him as a ruling monarch, but it’s his secondary nickname that lands him on this list. “LBJ” is not only another lazy moniker, but it’s one that LeBron shares with our nation’s 36th president, Lyndon Baines Johnson. The main problem with that being, when you hear “LBJ just threw down a savage dunk” you inherently picture the jowly old white guy who stepped into office after the Kennedy assassination, screaming and pounding his chest, and well… that’s ridiculous.
3 “Peanut” – Charles Tillman, Chicago Bears
Why in the hell are we referring to one of the most ferocious defenders in the NFL as “Peanut”?! Charles Tillman is an absolute force to be reckoned with on the field, but ever since the media got a hold of the adorable nickname his Aunt gave him as a baby, we’ve all been forced to hear Jon Gruden refer to him as “Peanut” with a frequency and familiarity that would have us believe he and Gruden have been best friends since the 2nd grade. If all of us stuck with cutesy little nicknames given to us as babies, everyone at work would now know me as “Tiny Balls” (Well guess what, they grew to a normal size, Aunt Sheila! You vindictive hag!).
2 “K-Mart” – Kenyon Martin, NBA
Although he’s currently a free agent, Kenyon Martin had to be included on this list because not only does he fall under the same awful naming trend as A-Rod, but he’s also named after a discount retailer. How is it that no one in Kenyon Martin’s life could come up with anything better than K-Mart?! In his prime the guy was an absolute monster on defense and a beast on the boards, yet he’s nicknamed after a second-rate department store where women buy Sophia Vergara’s line of middle-aged-leopard clothing. On the bright side, at least his first name isn’t Wally, because in the end, K-Mart is still way better than Wal-Mart.
1 “A-Rod” – Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees
There is nothing worse in a nickname than an egregious lack of imagination, and A-Rod is the patient zero of the crappy nickname era. Suddenly, just throwing out a guy’s first initial along with the first syllable of his last name qualifies as a nickname. What happened to the “King of Crash”? Or “Magic” Johnson? What the hell is an A-Rod? Or a T-Mac? Or a CP3? It’s like one day we all got together and decided as a society that the whole “creativity” thing was really bogging us down, and that was the day the lame nickname was born. Just think of it this way, if “Air” Jordan played in the modern era, we’d all be calling him “M-Jord.”
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