5 The Funky Chicken
We tried not to put “The Funky Chicken” on this list, because it’s a dance really intended for kids, and kids should be allowed to enjoy whatever they want, free of the cynicism that too often comes along with years spent alive. But then we remembered how goddamn annoying that Funky Chicken song is, and that the dance involves flapping your elbows like they’re chicken wings and just the whole stupid thing. So it’s official: The Funky Chicken is on the list.
4 Square Dancing
We may raise the ire of millions with this one, but square dancing is pretty dumb. Sure, it might be fun, it might have a passionately devoted fan base, and it might be an important part of the culture of many regions, but just try to take a look at a square dance in progress with the detached air of a foreign visitor. See that, what’s going on there? The little box steps and the heel slaps and the lining up and the command, “do-si-do”? See that? It’s not cool, people. It’s just not cool.
3 Slam dancing
“Slam dancing” could more accurately be called “fighting,” “seizing,” or “failing to play any meaningful part in society.” This activity essentially involves a violent flailing of the legs and arms whilst the head “bangs” up and down, needlessly wasting countless brain cells. At the apex of the dulcet music inspiring the slam dancers, expect to see human beings (many, technically adults) violently hurling their bodies into one another.
2 Electric Slide
For some reason, likely lead in municipal water supplies, people all over America and even in points beyond frequently do this “thing” called the “Electric Slide.” The Electric Slide is really more of a “lateral shuffle and back-and-forth step” with a bit of “spinning in circles slowly” all while listening to a really, really bad song by the “artist” Marcia Griffiths. We should have known something was badly wrong here at the line “boogey woogie woogie.”
Arguably the stupidest “dance craze” of the 20th century was at least blessedly brief: It only took a few years before people realized that “doing the Macarena” was essentially the physical equivalent of saying “my brain is made of liquid sludge!” This “dance” was nothing more than a simple placement of the hands on different parts of the body in a specific order, set to the strains of a terrible song. The band Los del Rio are responsible for this IQ lowering phenomenon.
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