The Top 5 Most Ridiculous Reality Shows

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We all know that “reality TV” actually just means “staged TV with smaller budgets and unskilled, guileless buffoons in place of actors,” so we won’t beleaguer that point. But knowing that this entire subset of the entertainment industry is indeed largely scripted and directed leads one to wonder why the producers don’t then make amazing shows with names like “Crocodile vs. Shark: The BiteDown” or “The Real Housewives of Pensacola Armed with Spears” and instead keep churning out drivel so insulting to the intellect that we actually just forgot how do we write them talkin’ words more good …

5 The Land of Lechers

At least, that’s what the show “Temptation Island” should have been called. The premise of this show was to separate couples and then tempt them into cheating on each other. It cannot be stated more simply than that, and here’s the kicker: it cannot be stated more complexly than that. That was the whole idea behind this goddamned show. Fox Network, please take down a quick note: you are the worst.

4 Raking Through the Muck …

There is a show on TV called “Swamp People” and it is … popular. Had no one put it on TV, people could spend their time reading or sleeping or doing volunteer work or anything, anything, other than watching a show called “Swamp People.” It is a program on The History Channel, of all places, about people who spend most of their time hunting alligators and murdering English.

3 Sarah Palin Got a Show? Really?

Usually when someone reveals themselves to be a brainless, mercurial fool before millions and millions of their countrymen, they are drummed out of the public eye for good, never to be heeded again. When that person is the mildly attractive former governor of Alaska, however, we give her a goddamn show. “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” had only one thing going for it, and that was its single-season run. This woman has nothing to add to any public discourse, and has no special knowledge on any topic, be it political or environmental, not spoon-fed to her by others. Stop … paying … attention.

2 “The Littlest Groom”

You can hear the discussion now: A few producer-types are sitting in an office on La Cienega Blvd trying to think of where to grab lunch, when one says “Hey, everyone loves these bridal-themed, bachelor-type shows, right?” And the other producer nods, smiling for no good reason like he’s already on board. Then producer #1 drops the hammer: “So let’s make a show where the bachelor … is a midget! I mean a little person, that’s what I mean, I’m not being exploitative or anything.” Except that’s the only word for that this show was: exploitative to the maximum.

1 ‘Who’s Your Daddy?”

Oh, you didn’t hear about this show that “ran” on Fox (of course) in January of 2005? Maybe that’s because it was so wildly tasteless and ill-conceived that even Fox had to admit they made a huge error and pulled it off the air after only one episode. Also, basically no one watched it. Why? Because even Americans are better than watching a show that puts a grown woman who was raised by adoptive parents in a room with 25 men, one of whom is her heretofore unknown biological father, and promises money to the man who can trick her into believing he is her real dad. Disgusting, just all around wretched.

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