Makers of Pants-Crap: the Top 5 Scariest Dudes in the NFL

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Is it truly better to be feared than to be loved? In the world of professional football, it’s an easy call. These men work every day to strike fear in the hearts of their opponents, but some don’t have to work so hard at it. To some, it just comes naturally.
Here are the top five scariest dudes in the NFL today.

5 Nate Kaeding – K, San Diego Chargers

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Don’t let his Tobey Maguire-like demeanor fool you, there’s something very scary about Nate Kaeding. The Chargers claim they cut him this year due to injury, but there’s also a very real possibility it had something to do with him having the cold, vacant eyes of a secret serial killer. Sure he seems innocent, but isn’t that just what he’d want you to think? While it’s hard to say exactly what Kaeding is doing with his spare time as a free agent, all we’re saying is that we wouldn’t be shocked if he was at home making necklaces with his hidden stash of human pinkies.

4 Jared Allen – DE, Minnesota Vikings

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On the field, Jared Allen is scary-good, but off the field, he seems pleasant. So why is he on this list? It’s not that we don’t believe that he’s friendly and likes to have fun; it’s more that he’s probably the really scary kind of fun. Jared Allen seems like that lovable guy who wouldn’t hesitate to call shooting you with his crossbow a “great prank.” Speaking of shooting, Allen is eerily reminiscent of Rob Riggle’s character in the Hangover, who we don’t need to remind you shot a guy right in the face with a taser. Basically, whether you’re a quarterback or just a pal, Jared Allen is someone who could be your best friend, and at the same time an overall detriment to your health and well being.

3 Ndamukong Suh – DE, Detroit Lions

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How about we start with this; His name means “House of Spears.” Yeah. What does your name mean? Probably nothing. And even if it does, it’s probably not nearly as badass and intimidating as “House of Spears.” The young defensive end has more than lived up to his name too (though it would’ve been admittedly hilarious if he grew up to be a vegan cupcake baker), as he was recently voted the dirtiest player in the NFL for the second season in a row. And let’s not forget that one time he stomped a guy out right on the field. It looked a real-time version of the security footage from the Tupac gang-fight at the MGM.

2 Bill Belichick – Head Coach, New England Patriots

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Normally, we wouldn’t include a coach on this list, but Bill Belichick is a very special kind of scary. A man who seemingly lacks the ability to smile, Belichick paces the sidelines with a permanent scowl on his face. Then, after the game is over, he tortures timid reporters with the gentle disposition of a pissed off grandpa. Overall, this guy just gives us the creeps. He’s the type of dude you’d absolutely dread seeing anywhere near your mother, but you can’t rule out the possibility that it could happen and you might one day have to hear the words “Honey, this is mommy’s new friend, Bill.”

1 Ray Lewis – LB, Baltimore Ravens

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Just look how he comes out onto the field. He runs full-speed out of the tunnel and does a dance that could make the case that he’s legitimately the God of carnage, the he lets out a primal scream that is widely believed to wet the pants of every rookie on the opposing sideline. Ray Lewis has been terrorizing opponents for years, and at the age of 37 the dude still looks like he’s cut from stone. Oh, and there’s also that whole investigation into his possible involvement in a double-murder thing, but that’s not something we really want to discuss, lest he get wind of it and rain hell down on all of us.

There they are, the top five scariest dudes in the NFL. We admit though, fear is subjective, so you may not agree with this list. If you’re worst fear is having a guy break out his wiener un-prompted, maybe Big Ben Roethlisberger should be on here. Or if you’re terrified of an old man who would love nothing more than to suck on your toes, then Rex Ryan probably deserves a spot.
So why not give us all a look into what truly frightens you, by throwing together a list of your own?
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