Think Mother Earth Can Dish It? You’d Be Wise to Avoid These Terrifying Places in the Solar System

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If you can somehow avoid the occasional hurricanes and tsunamis and volcanic eruptions and landslides and flooding, our planet is a pretty nice place to live. It’s a whole lot more charming than that Kuiper Belt, what with all the rocky masses flying around and smashing into one another and all. And the moon? That place has no atmosphere (get it? Yeah? Nice). Yes, overall our green and blue sphere is about the nicest place around to call home. It’s much nicer than the five places I’ll talk about below, which are all dead ringers for Circles of Hell.

5 Pluto

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Hey, why not? Pluto may have been demoted, but it’s still a remote, relatively small, and absolutely miserable place to live! Made up of solid nitrogen, methane, and CO and with an average temperature of negative 230 Celsius, this little guy is a barren hellscape of unimaginable wretchedness! Sorry, Pluto Fans (not to be confused with Plutocrats), but it’s true! Pluto sucks.

4 99942 Apophis

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Not familiar with this one? If you live until the late 2030s, you might become quite familiar indeed. That’s because this little guy (actually it weighs millions of pounds) just might smash into the earth in 2036. That impact looks less likely now than it did once, but it will almost surely at least be a “near earth” object, and even the possibility of a brush with a huge asteroid is enough to set one on edge. Now just imagine how 99942 Apophis must feel! If there’s an accident, sure we’ll get a bit bruised (meaning massive damage, death, destruction, etc.) but we’re the 18 Wheeler here, and he’s the Mini Cooper.

3 The Great Red Spot

Image Credit: Wikipedia

Let’s move a short way from ever-erupting Io over to its “host,” Jupiter, and to be specific, to Jupiter’s famous Great Red Spot. Do you know what that is? It’s a storm. A massive anticyclonic (look it up if you want but it’s more boring than it sounds) storm that has been raging for hundreds of years (maybe as much as 400) and is likely to keep on anticyclone storming for hundreds to come. Puts a summer rain shower in perspective, no?

2 Io

Image Credit: Wikipedia

This moon of Jupiter is impressive enough in its own right, at about 2,300 miles in diameter (that’s much bigger than the Pluto formerly known as Planet, to put it in perspective). But add the fact that they’re the most “geologically active” miles around and you start to get a picture of why it’s to be avoided. Io is essentially one constant explosion (or more accurately hundreds and hundreds of explosions) and generally a terrible place to visit, unless you like constantly exploding, which most people accustomed to life on earth do not.

1 The Sun

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An obvious choice, you say? Well what else should we call a giant ball of constant nuclear reaction so powerful that even at 93 million miles away it can still burn your flesh all while holding your entire planet in its orbital grip? Yeah, we need the sun and all, but it’s a terrifying place, too! It’s surface temperature is a toasty 5,500 degrees Celsius and its solar flares send out waves capable of rendering all our little technological achievements nil and, in general terms, the sun is better admired and appreciated from those millions of miles.

Indeed our survey of the terrors of our Solar System has confirmed what we long believed anyway: the best place to live is on earth. Or on board the ISS. But make sure you bring a lot of magazines if you are going to live on the International Space Station, because the selection there is terrible.

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