If Testosterone Had a Flavor it Would Taste Like One of These Awesome Canned Chilis

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Whether you have just completed another long day on the cattle drive or if you just sat down to watch some football (or The Price is Right, no judgment here!), if you have a manly hunger rumbling within you, you need to satisfy it with the right manfood. And the right manfood? Well, here’s a hint: it’s chock full of meat and spicy peppers and beans. Here’s another hint: it’s chili.

We can hear your mantongue (OK that one didn’t really work) starting to salivate already, so let’s not waste too much more time before we get on to those fine chilies! One more note though: sure, maybe your ol’ Uncle Cowslapper had a from-scratch recipe that can’t be beat, or maybe you know if a little joint up the trail what that makes the best chili this side of the Rio Grande and such.

That’s all good to know, but the point today is that these are canned chilies. That means only about a minute or two on the stove or in the microwave separates you and your stomach from manly satisfaction (eh…), so keep your secret recipes and such in your back pocket for today, and reach instead for your can opener.

5 Hormel Hot Chili with Beans

Hormel Hot Chili with Beans is indeed at the bottom of our list, but hey, it’s still on the list. It is on here largely because you can usually find cans of this chili for under a buck fifty, and it’swell worth that. It is at the list’s bottom not because it doesn’t taste quite good, but because the texture of this chili is kind of one dimensional. All the ingredients seem like they were pulse blended, and we personally like some chunks, some whole beans, etc. But for the price tag and for the flavor? Well deserving of a spot on our top 5, Kemosabe!

4 Dennison’s Original Chili

Dennison’s Original Chili is either gonna be a big hit, or pretty much a bust. We like it, but we like beans. And this chili is chock full of beans. In fact, it kind of seems like a whole bunch of kidney beans with some other ingredients, (one of them being chili sauce) added. You’ll have to try it for yourself to see if it “works” for you, but know going in that if you’re looking beans to play a supporting role, try a different play. Or a different chili, we mean.

3 Amy’s Organic Chili

OK, admittedly Amy’s Organic Chili may not sound exactly manly. In fact… it sounds decidedly un-manly. Oh well, it’s damn good chili, and the fact that is indeed organic is only the grace note that secured its number 3 spot! The fact that it is, um, well, it’s vegetarian may be a turnoff to some purists, but if I hadn’t told you that and you’d just chowed down on a bowl I bet you’d be into it. Lower sodium, too, so that’s nice. Right? Aw, c’mon…

2 Silverado

It just sounds awesome and Stagg’s Silverado Beef Chili with Beans lives up to the way it sounds. Delicious. And manful. Sodium? Way high. But fat content? Quite low! Stagg uses two beans and chopped tomatoes in this chili, which tastes just about as good as Campbell’s Chunky Roadhouse whatnot, but tends to be a bit more on the soupy side. Not necessarily a bad thing, just depends on your taste, see?

1 Campbell Chunky Roadhouse Beef and Bean Chili Manly Cowboy Chuck

Whoa, we should have stopped after the word “Chili” but we got carried away. Why? Because you can usually find a can of this delicious, cowpolk approved (probably) chili for about two bucks a can, and it is delicious stuff! As you would expect from the name, yes, it is indeed chunky. No fine little soupy, broth stuff here: this is a punch-you-in-your-neck with every bite (that’s a good thing, in this case) with flavor and pure unadulterated calories foodstuff! If you are hungry, eat this chili, then you won’t be hungry.

There, now you know that you don’t have to spend all day slowly simmering your own beans in four quarts of stock, chopping 7 whole, over-ripe tomatoes, slicing onions into hey waaaaiiiit a second! Trying to get my ol’ Pappy’s secret recipe, huh? Nice try, rustler! Stick to the canned chili, if you know what’s good for ya.

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