A Boy Named Sue: The Top 5 Worst Names In Sports History

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What’s in a name, really? Well, that all depends. You see, a name like Tom Brady evokes a certain respect now, but in reality, it’s a pretty run of the mill name. Not unlike Michael Jordan or Derek Jeter. These are just great athletes with regular, boring, normal names. But if you look back in sports history, there are some pretty special cases of some seriously special names. They may not belong to the most exceptional athletes of their time, but you can guarantee one thing; that silly, train wreck of a name on their playing card will assure they’re remembered forever. These are the top five worst names in sports history.

5 Destinee Hooker – US Women’s Volleyball (2008-Present)

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All rational thought would suggest that parents with the last name Hooker would be careful when naming their children, so as not to pick anything that would perhaps draw more attention to an already dubious name. You would think for example, Mr. and Mrs. Hooker would perhaps go with a name like Christine over, say, Filthy. Or maybe they’d wisely choose something like Lindsay, rather than Destinee. Well, you’d be dead wrong. Just ask Olympic Women’s Volleyball standout, Destinee Hooker. Though you have to admit, having a name that actually suggests she is destined to be a hooker, then making it as an Olympic level athlete, kind of makes her accomplishments that much more impressive, doesn’t it?

4 Doug Fister – MLB (2009-Present)

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It’s not that the name Fister is so impossible to believe, it’s that this guy somehow didn’t even get the courtesy of the silent P that’s usually tacked onto the front (Pfister), and that his parents elected to give him the middle name Wildes. Yeah, for reals, his full name is Douglas Wildes Fister. Which means it’s pretty safe to assume that as a young teenager growing up in California his first personal email address was undoubtedly “WildFister69@hotmail.com.” He may be a budding young talent in the Detroit Tigers rotation, but to us, Doug Fister will always just be the guy whose name is followed up by a corny “Damn near killed ‘er!” joke.

3 Dickk Butkus – NFL (1965-1973)

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It might seem like a copout to have two guys named D**k so high on this list, but let’s be honest; this man’s name is straight up ridiculous. It had to be done. When grammar school bullies saw his name on the roll call they must have been salivating at the mere thought of how horribly they were going to torture little D**k Butkus. That is until that grizzled little S.O.B. walked though the door and glared them all into submission (we assume he was already rocking that mustache in the 2nd grade). D**k Butkus is a true testament to the notion that naming your child something brutally embarrassing may just be what it takes to create a Hall of Fame linebacker.

2 Uwe Blab – NBA (1985-1990)

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At first glance, this dude’s name looks absolutely terrible. Then you find out how it’s pronounced, and you realize it’s even worse than you though. Pronounced Oo-vay Blob, the West German center served as a large thing in the middle of the court for the Dallas Mavericks from 1985-1989. Standing 7’1” tall, Blab averaged a stellar 2.1 points and 1.8 rebounds per game for his career, but provided commentators who got to shout “Uwe Blab!” whenever he got dunked on with a lifetime of joy and happiness.

1 Dick Felt – AFL (1960-1966)

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Well, there’s not much explaining to do here. After all, it’s pretty apparent what landed Mr. D**k Felt in the number one slot on our list. A defensive back and two-time Pro-Bowler for the New York Titans and Boston Patriots, D**k Felt’s name sounds like the item on a college student’s Spring Break checklist that comes after “Beers Drank” and “Boobs Seen.” It seems like the only way D**k Felt could have run away with this race any easier would be if his last name were Bloan.

Well, there they are, the worst names in all of sports. But they made it didn’t they? They all reached the pinnacle of their respective athletic arenas. So before you dismiss the notion of naming your kid something like “Svelt Ballsy,” remember, it might just make him a perennial All-Star.

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