Often times, it’s not hard to see them coming either. What looks like a steaming pile of… well let’s just say wasted money, in its previews, is usually just that in its entirety. And even though 2013 is barely more than halfway gone, it’s already had its share of big fat movie flops.
5 The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
What does it mean when the trailers for a comedy have zero funny moments? Are the filmmakers shrewdly saving all the gut-busting hilarity for the fans that pay to see it? Nope. It more likely means that the movie is going to be unwatchable and if you see it anyway you only have yourself to blame. That’s a message directed at you, the few people who actually paid to see ‘The Incredible Burt Wonderstone.’ And to those involved in the making of the film, if the funniest thing in your $30 million comedy is the characters’ silly hair, you may want to prepare to take a loss.
4 Bullet to the Head
It only seems appropriate that a film that did this badly was named ‘Bullet to the Head,’ because that’s exactly what anyone who invested money in it was asking for when the numbers came in. The movie starred Sylvester Stallone as a hit man who teams up with a cop in an effort to bring down the men who killed both their partners, and no, it didn’t debut in 1986. If you’re still willing to put money into a $55 million action flick that features Sylvester Stallone as the singular hero, you deserve it when it bombs. Sorry, but no one wants to see a weirdly buff grandpa on a revenge trip.
3 White House Down
What was ‘White House Down’ even supposed to be? Initial ads made it seem like a straight action film, which was weird since ‘Olympus Has Fallen,’ an almost identical film, had already come out just a few months earlier. Then suddenly, it was being pushed as more of an action-comedy with previews showing President Jamie Foxx kicking a terrorist for “messing up his Jordans,” and Channing Tatum yelling at Foxx for pointing a rocket at his head while he was trying to drive. What resulted was a mish-mash that should’ve been called ‘1600 Jump Street,’ and not nearly enough people showed up to help it recoup its $150 million budget.
2 After Earth
The fact that M. Night Shyamalan is still being handed the reins to major motion pictures is a testament to just how clueless Hollywood truly is. This guy hasn’t made a decent film in over a decade and yet somehow, producers were surprised when ‘After Earth’ fell flat. On top of Shyama-bomb’s involvement, the film features Jaden Smith fighting CGI monsters while his dad sits trapped in a crashed spaceship giving him advice over Bluetooth the entire time. Sounds like a big fat flop, and it was. On a related note, remember how much you used to like Will Smith before he started shoving his crappy kids down your throat?
1 The Lone Ranger
Though it just opened, the revisionist western starring Armie Hammer and Johnny Depp may have died on the table. Over the 4th of July weekend ‘The Lone Ranger’ was left in the dust by a kids’ movie featuring little yellow pill-people that speak gibberish (‘Despicable Me 2’), and it looks unlikely that it will ever catch up to its massive $225 million budget. Who knew no one would want to spend their Independence Day weekend watching a Winklevoss twin run around in a cowboy hat while also trying to convince themselves the whole Johnny Depp as Tonto thing wasn’t just uncomfortable (even though he’s supposedly, maybe, kind of, a little tiny bit Native American in real life).
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